11 Places We’d Like Destroyed By Aliens

Battle: Los AngelesOn Friday, Battle: Los Angeles hits theaters and it’s another movie about aliens attacking. Since we’re apparently obsessed with this genre of film because a movie about an alien attack pretty much releases every year, it seems probable that aliens will actually attack. So, to help with our survival, we decided to create a list of places that — if aliens happen to someday attack earth — we’d like to see get destroyed first. That way, we could at least be somewhat happy before the inevitable happens and we’re all stabbed in the heart by giant tentacles or something.

Staten Island because, well, they say, “acks” instead of “ask.”

A place that somehow, probably through the promise of a tax-free steak dinner and a free shotgun, gets Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin in the same room.

Topeka, Kansas, but just those Westboro Baptist Church guys because, you know, those guys are fucking crazy.

France, just because it’s France and always really fun to hate on France.

That one corner in Brooklyn where I got mugged.

The North Pole, because I’m still really, really bitter about not getting that K-NEX set in 3rd grade even though I was really, really good all year long.

Wherever fedoras come from.

Nebraska because as a home-grown Iowan it’s my duty to hate pretty much everything and anything Nebraska-related. Plus, Nebraska sucks. (Did I mention that Nebraska is lame?)

Battle: Los AngelesWherever that one douchebag who stole my high school girlfriend lives.

Toronto or Montreal, mainly out of my American jealousy of Canada and their healthcare system — and they gave us Justin Bieber.

Chicago, so we no longer have to read Pitchfork music reviews that compare listening to Radiohead to “witnessing the stillborn birth of a child while simultaneously having the opportunity to see her play in the afterlife on Imax.”