A few months back we presented a plan to get Lindsay Lohan back on track. Miraculously, some of the items we suggested have already come to pass, she’s gone back to being a redhead and is no longer involved with the Linda Lovelace project. Which got us to thinking, who else out there is in need of our help? Ladies and gentlemen, behold:
20 Ways to Get Katherine Heigl’s Career Back on Track
20. Think about Doing a Christmas Album
No, it doesn’t matter if you can sing. Look at Hanson‘s “Snowed In” for the needed inspiration.
19. Take a Year Off of Magazine Interviews
Look, I’ve been in the room, so I know how the process works. If you give me 45 minutes about the craft of acting and 20 seconds about how you’re feeling about Judd Apatow that day, I’m going to run with the Apatow part. Even if it’s not fair, even if it’s out of context. Ratings and reads depend on controversy. Don’t give it to them!
18. No More Television
Some celebrities would be well served by doing a great television show. Unfortunately, you’re past that now. You had a great show, Grey’s Anatomy, and then you had a great show turn into a disaster. There’s nothing left for you on television, sadly, which leads me to …
17. Have Lunch with Anne Hathaway
Somehow, Ms. Hathaway was able to foist Bride Wars and Valentine’s Day upon us and so far no one has held it against her. Far from it, she’s now a legitimate Oscar contender with Love and Other Drugs, as she was for Rachel Getting Married. Why aren’t people remembering her in the bad films, and how can you use that power for your own personal gain? Make her give up her Jedi secrets!
16. Go See 127 Hours
If you really want to become a person who does impressive work, and I think you do, check out how Franco carries the new Danny Boyle film. It’s something to behold.
15. Get on Oprah and Admit Something Tragic About Your Childhood
This always works. Plus, if you can time it to coincide with Oprah’s birthday you’ll get loads of free stuff too!
14. Then Hit Up Funny or Die
Nothing makes us commoners happier than celebrities who are able to laugh at themselves. Viral video is an excellent way to silence the critics.
13. Don’t Go Brunette Again
12. Consider Making Your Nickname Permanent
Being called “Katie” softens you in a way that “Kat” and “Katherine” don’t. Five years ago this wouldn’t have worked because of Katie Holmes. But she’s pretty much taken herself out of the game, so Katie is now yours for the taking.
11. Three Words: Under Siege 3
We all remember your solid work in Under Siege 2, and at this point you’d be doing Steven Seagal a favor by agreeing to a sequel. So get out there and ham it up, it will be considered to be gloriously retro sheik.
10. Do a Photoshoot … for a Modern Dog
You’re a dog lover, let people see that side of you. Plus, it will give you a chance to talk about the numerous dog rescue groups you support. You’ll be doing some good and you’ll look sweet doing it!
9. Book A Guest Appearance on Glee
You’ve put yourself out there as a Gleek, and as such it’s okay to ignore #18 for one tiny little guest appearance. Besides, Glee is right in your wheelhouse in terms of sensibilities, it’s a show that encourages a point of view and being passionate. This could work.
8. Listen to the New Girl Talk Album
Personally, I haven’t listened to it yet. But I’m told it’s great, so I’d like for you to really savor it.
7. Lash Out At Eminem
This could be a simple press release or blog post. Come out against Em’s lyrics for being sexist, which will encourage him to immediately release a mean-spirited comeback on YouTube. Then you’re the victim. Boom! All of a sudden the narrative shifts to how courageous you are.
6. Consider Doing an Old Spice Commercial
Let’s face it, they are doing innovative ads, and you’re naturally funny. If they can make Ray Lewis seem approachable they’ll do wonders for you.
5. Work With a Prominent Female Director
I get the sense you’re trying to help women directors break through, and the ones you’ve worked with (Julie Anne Robinson, Anne Fletcher) show real promise. But you don’t need promise at this point in your career, you need a sure thing. The names you’re looking for go a little something like Sofia Coppola, Julie Taymor, or Kathryn Bigelow. Accept no substitutes!
4. Write Something
You’re outspoken, and you’ve mentioned you’ve got an opinion on everything. So how’s about tackling a screenplay? You’ve got time, you know plenty or writers, give it a shot. There’s no better way to find a character you can relate to than to write one for yourself.
3. Ask for Final Poster Approval
The Life as We Know It poster was a monstrosity. Take back control of your career on the image side, even if it means taking less money.
2. Get Political, But Safely
You were born in Washington D.C., the only group of Americans without a voting member of congress. Use your clout to advocate for the fine people of D.C. It’s political, but also completely logical.
1. Just Jolie It
There’s another icon out there who went through a rough patch, adopted a child, and is outspoken on a myriad of issues. Of course, she had to movie halfway across the world, join The U.N., and develop a really thick skin. But she’s now blissfully above it all, able to pick and choose her projects, alternating between silly fluff and dynamic art. Could this be your journey, Katie Heigl? It’s too soon to tell, but if you follow these 20 simple steps we definitely like your chances.
On that note, I hope you all have a weekend full of turkey leftovers!
Laremy is the lead critic and senior producer for a website named Film.com. He’s also available on Twitter.