5 Characters Who Could’ve Benefited From A Social Network

David Fincher likes Facebook, and this week he updates the status of his film The Social Network to “released.” It’s the story of the controversial origins of this internet leviathan. Though among the first of the massive social networks, Facebook is by no means the only game in town. Social networks have become as ubiquitous as they are consuming and I can’t imagine living in a world without them. That being said, I got to thinking about some classic movie characters that existed in a time and/or place where these impulsive, electronic extensions of our selves were not available. How might these characters’ situations improved if they’d had…

Guy Haines from 'Strangers On A Train'Twitter: Guy Haines from Strangers on a Train

In this classic Hitchcock thriller, two men meet by chance on a trip and speak hypothetically about murder plots. One of the participants views the chat as little more than a morbid pastime, the other is a bona fide psychopath who views the situation as a verbal contract and carries out his murderous, supposed obligation. If the more upstanding gentleman had access to Twitter, he may have been able to halt the nightmare early on. If you can read the lunatic’s updates and see things like “I’m about to kill this chick” or “just made a new friend and I’m totally going to kill his wife,” authorities could have been alerted; especially when the messages are absent the crucial “jk” or “lol” clarifications. Besides, it’s handy to know when one of your followers is actually following you.

Boba Fett from 'The Empire Strike Back'Foursquare: Boba Fett from The Empire Strikes Back

The baddest bounty hunter this side of the Dagobah system still has to resort to archaic and wildly inefficient tracking methods. Though this addition to the list seems absurd given the futuristic setting of the film, did you see a single cell phone in Star Wars? Plus, if you want to get technical, it takes a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. All I’m saying is that it would make Mr. Fett’s job much simpler if he could track Han Solo as he checks into every strip club, gambling house, and holistic hookah bar on Mos Eisley. Han is incidentally the mayor of the Wendy’s on Hoth.

Fergus from 'The Crying Game'Facebook: Fergus from The Crying Game

We’ve all had bad dates and more than a few awkward romantic encounters. But when it comes to being lucky in relationships, Fergus from The Crying Game is someone who really got the shaft. I keep imaging that this whole sorted situation could have been avoided with the intervention of Facebook. If Fergus could backtrack through Dil’s profile, particularly noting the sex field listed as “it’s complicated,” he at least could have made a more informed decision before walking into that bedroom.

Keith Jennings

Tumblr: Keith Jennings from The Omen

No one likes hearing that their son is actually sired by the prince of darkness, but it is problem becoming far more commonplace these days. Photographer Keith Jennings assists Robert Thorn in tracking down his son’s true heritage only to be taken out of the equation with extreme prejudice. One of the creepier elements of this film is the fact that his photos, as it turns out, actually portended not only his own death but the deaths of many others who stood in Damien’s way. If Keith had been able to take these pictures and immediately upload them to Tumblr, he may have noticed sooner the mysterious lines across his neck and understood the warning contained within; especially with that elevated pixel count.

The TerminatorBlogspot: The Terminator

Killer robots from the future are often misjudged. People tend to view them as vapid, stoic, and emotionless when actually they are deep and pensive. In between cutting out his own eye and having his living tissue melted away until he’s left with only his metal endoskeleton, he enjoys musing about bubble baths and macramé. Thankfully, blogspot affords him the opportunity to vent his frustrations about the selections at the People’s Choice Awards and share which Arcade Fire song he is currently listening to.