Michael Fassbender is set to play one of the titular assassins in Assassin’s Creed when the video game adaptation finally arrives December 21, 2016. Naturally, Fassbender tends to improve most things, which got us thinking, which other hitmen and assassins could benefit from being Fassbended?
1. Ra’s al Ghul
We all loved Liam Neeson’s turn as the head of the League of Assassins in Batman Begins, but a new Batman gives us the chance for a new Ra’s, and who better than Fassbender to play him? He’s cold, calculating, and a bit evil. Fassbender’s got this down.
2. Agent 47
Gaming’s other big assassin series, Hitman, has had a bit of a tough time at the movies. There have been two film adaptations so far, and they’ve both been pretty rubbish. There’s a disease here, and there’s only one cure: more Fassbender.
3. The Jackal
From low brow to high, next we find the Jackal, of The Day of the Jackal. He’s posh, grim-faced, and ruthless, and he really knows how to work a cravat, which is essential in any attempt to assassinate the French President.
4. Martin Q Blank
Look, we love John Cusack as the hitman going through an existential crisis in Grosse Pointe Blank, but we also love Michael Fassbender. He hasn’t had much comic relief in his recent filmography, so maybe a fun hitman-y romp would do him some good.
OK, going a bit niche here. HK-47 was the assassin robot in roleplaying game Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. But just tell me you wouldn’t watch Fassbender voicing a homicidal android in a new Star Wars spinoff. Just try and tell me that.
This is a tough one, because Léon, aka The Professional, is manifestly a perfect film and should never be remade. But if it were remade (which it should never be) and if they were to re-cast Jean Reno (which they shouldn’t) I would at least tolerate Fassbender.
Bear with me here. Yes, Hit-Girl is a girl. Yes, she’s 11 years old. No, Michael Fassbender is nowhere near either of those things. But answer me this: would you pay to watch two hours of Fassbender in a skirt pretending to be a violent, foul-mouthed pre-teen girl? I thought so.