On Friday, Danny McBride and James Franco star in the epic middle ages stoner flick Your Highness. Now, what’s probably the worst situation in the world that a stoner could be in? If you answered smack dab in the middle of a medieval fight, holding a sword and a shields while puffy, red-eyed and not quite sure who’s the enemy, well, you’re right. Seeing McBride and Franco leap around, baked out of their minds while stabbing at each other (and missing terribly), got us thinking: what would be some other terrible places for stoners to spark up a joint in cinema history? Let’s take a look.
Where: The Grid
Why: Holy shit. Don’t get me wrong, this would be an awesome place for you to hang out if you were baked. Look at all the pretty colors, bro. Oh, and listen to that Daft Punk. But, c’mon. Seriously? This is a place where light fucking kills you. If you’re hanging out on the grid, staring up at the pretty men on the pretty bikes with the pretty neon light trailing behind it, there’s a good chance you’ll wander out into some place you shouldn’t be, and one of those pretty bikes will run over your stoned self.
Where: The backseat of Travis Bickle’s taxi
Why: Um, have you seen that movie? Do you honestly, really, think that Travis Bickle has any ounce of patience? Picture this: a dude — blazed out of his mind — “chilling” in the back seat, unsure of where he wants to go. “Uh, I don’t know. Somewhere between 1st and 2nd?,” he’d mummer between giggles. Bickle would only have so long — probably less than about 3 seconds — before he’d bust into a rendition of “You talkin’ to me?”
Where: That chair you use to “plug-in”
Why: Let’s think for a moment about how fascinated stoners become with the littlest of things, and especially, with crap that is just completely pointless. Like for example: a piece of bark. I can hear them in my head now: “Just feel this texture, bro! Rub it. It makes you really feel that connection with the earth.” Yeah, okay dude. Now imagine if you were to take that dude, set him down on a dentist-style chair, and plug something into the back of his freaking head. He would start tripping out.
Where: Anywhere in the vicinity of R2-D2
Why: Oh, lord, could you imagine? We all know that it’s fun to be stoned, but it’s definitely not fun to be around stoners while not stoned. In fact, it’s a horrible, horrible experience. Everything they do is not only obnoxious, but it’s hilarious — and I mean hilarious — to themselves. They will laugh at the stupidest things, like the way an apple sounds when they bite into it or the way their jeans feel against their legs — and they’ll laugh for what seems like days and days. Now put R2-D2 next to them with all of his beeps and bops. The automatic stoner reaction? “Beep-bop-boop-beep, man. Beep-bop-boop-beep.” However, they would probably try to turn R2-D2 into a bong, and, admittedly, that would be pretty funny.
Where: The Interview Room
Why: Oh, you want to have a serious conversation? Or more specifically, you want to have a serious conversation about politics? Ha! Stoners are some of the worst people in the world to have any type of serious conversation with because, well, everything is a serious conversation. These are the guys who want to talk about how when they were eating a burger at Burger King their napkin tore in half and one of the ripped halves looked like the outline of their childhood home or something; so basically, you know, stoner stuff. If a couple dudes in tie-dye t-shirts were in the room as Frost pressed Nixon on the trials of his presidency, their laughing would be slightly distracting.
Where: The Empire State Building Observation Deck
Why: You know those times you’re at the theater and there’s those stoned fools in the back row, snickering at every little detail of a drama (I’m talking un-snickerable films, like Schindler’s List)? Well, place those doofuses on top of the Empire State Building in what’s considered to be, probably, one of the most moving scenes in cheesy rom-com history. There’s nothing that would spoil this moment more than a cloud of smoke and some giggles from a couple of pot heads in the background, mulling over how “amazing, man” New York City looks at night from atop the Empire State Building. “It’s, like, crazy.”
Where: In the cockpit of that alien ship used to destroy all those other aliens
Why: No offense to those readers who do their share of toking up, but the last thing the human race needs is for your stoned ass to pressure the people — people like Jeff Goldblum — in charge of saving our human race from total, complete extinction from an evil, terrible alien race by just “taking just one hit, man.” Fuck that. These are real aliens who are really here to really kill us. Go back to your own bizarre 1999 green alien posters with black lights and shit, stoners.