So let’s say you land an incredible woman and SOMEHOW manage to convince her that you are a stable enough person to warrant her spending the rest of her life with you. Sounds awesome, right? ERRRR. Wrong. As Barney says in HIMYM “Marriage… yeeesh.” Well, he might not have said it in those exact words, but he agrees with the sentiment.
Anyway, you might also be lucky enough to land a woman who recognizes your needs. Your needs as a man. A warm blooded figure of masculinity who can not and will not be contained in anything beyond a bed or bath. One who recognizes the fact that a barn made of pottery is inherently unstable. And this amazing woman might give you a week off from marriage; a sweet, sweet glorious vacation. A Hall Pass, so to say. But where to start? Well what are you in to?
We have a guide that will help you get started. Of course, this all depends on your ability to meet these women, woo them well enough that they would sleep with you and do it all in a week. Shouldn’t be too difficult.
Nerdy Girls
There’s something to be said about the mysterious nerdy girl. What is she thinking? Probably about something smart like philosophy. What exactly is she hiding behind those glasses? More than likely an astigmatism, but that’s beside the point.
Emma Watson is the ultimate nerd girl. Sure, she might not have the glasses, but she starred in one of the biggest nerd franchises of all time, she’s an Ivy Leaguer and she’s British. I don’t know how that last point adds to her nerdiness, but it does. Needless to say, she won’t be impressed by status, money, or power. She’s been there, done that. You’re gonna need a pretty big mind to impress her, so hit the books.
Straight A’s Alternates: Alyson Hannigan, Aubrey Plaza, Anna Faris
AWOOOGA Girls
The bombshell. The babe. The good-lord-my-eyes-are-going-to-pop-out-I’m-staring-so-hard. The only problem with going after an AWOOOGA (named after the sound the horny wolf would always make in Looney Tunes) is that every other guy will be going after her. Did you learn nothing from A Beautiful Mind? Divide and conquer!
Isla Fisher is a straight-up pin-up girl. Flowing red hair, a body to die for and an accent that makes men melt like butter. It’s almost unimaginable that she is a real person and not some geek’s dream girl brought to life. You’re going to need everything you have in order to win one of these women in under a week. Best of luck.
Straight D’s (if you know what I mean) Alternates: Christina Hendricks, Jennifer Lawrence, Scarlett Johansson
Kinda Creepy But Still Technically Legal
Look, we know they’re technically 18 and legal, but that still doesn’t make it any less creepy for your old ass to be hitting on them at a bar. What are they doing at a bar anyway! Kids these days. You’re looking at 3-6 for robbing the cradle, but have a go at it. You’re a free man (for now).
Selena Gomez is a beautiful woman who just happened to turn 18 not too long ago. So yeah, all those thoughts you kept to yourself can now be spoken aloud, but it still feels a little dirty, right? That’s what you’re getting yourself into with these young’uns. They’ll be impressed by your maturity, but then again they’d be impressed by most shiny things. Again, proceed with caution.
You Should Be Ashamed Of Yourself Alternates: Sarah Hyland, Lea Michele, Emma Roberts
Classy Women
These aren’t girls, these are women. They are the definition of style, class and beauty. So you know they would be all kinds of freaky in bed. I bet they give hand jobs with their pinkies extended.
Alison Brie classes up any joint she is in. She just has a radiant glow about her that exudes class. Also, she used to be a freak. No, seriously. You’re going to have to be on your best behavior around these women, so shine your shoes, comb your hair and brush your teeth. It might take a little bit of work, but they’re worth it.
Beautiful, Graceful and Dignified Alternates: Zooey Deschanel, Anne Hathaway, Emily Blunt
Girls That Could Kick Your Ass
So you like to live dangerously. I like your style. You want a girl that can not only outrun you on a football field, she probably set her high school record for most touchdowns in a season. Forget the flowers, bring on the whiskey.
Seriously, Michelle Rodriguez can kick your ass. The only way to get her in a week is to go hard or go home. I’m being serious. She’s gonna slam a bottle of tequila down in front of you and you better be ready to chug the whole thing, floss with the worm and then throw the bottle at the head of the biggest guy in the bar. Then she might give you a kiss on the cheek. After punching you of course.
Who Needs Testosterone Alternates: Jillian Michaels, Taylor Momsen, Christina Ricci
The Challenge
You, my friend, must like a challenge. This isn’t just a week off for you, this is a working vacation. You must be incredibly sure of yourself to pull this one off, but if you do? You shall go down in The Manly Man Hall of Fame. I salute you sir and good luck, but you are one crazy individual.
I guess the only thing crazier than going for Ellen would be going for her wife Portia De Rossi. And if you get both of them? You sir are no mere mortal, you are a DEITY.
Good Luck Alternates: Amber Heard, Jane Lynch, Portia De Rossi
