Bring it On, Vampire Style: Do ‘Twilight’ Vamps Have it Easy?


Right now, pop culture is dominated by three distinct definitions of vampires. We’ve got Twilight, True Blood, and The Vampire Diaries as fairly well-established types of vampire. But which one does it best?

The answers to that question are endless, depending on what criteria defines “best.” For us, the easiest, most fun vampire life is the one we’d sign our names in blood for. Using a flawless point system to crunch the numbers on each franchise, has determined which series sports the most appealing lifestyle. The answer may surprise you:



This film series brought us Edward and Bella, the subjects of one of the greatest love stories ever told. But can it deliver the goods once the honeymoon is over?

That thing where you get to live forever: +3

That thing where you can only drink blood: -3

No fangs: -2

Becoming a vampire makes you about 10 times hotter than you were as a human: +25

You’re really pale and your skin sparkles in the sun: -18

Vampires get to skip school when the sun is out: +6

But the sun doesn’t kill you, it just makes you very, very noticeable: +30

The young-looking Cullens have to attend high school and college over, and over, and over, and over for all time: -25

But, if you’re type who could never pick a major you get infinite do-overs: +17

You can’t lie about “being on a diet” because your eyes turn red or hazel depending on what you’re eating: -4

Changing into a vampire feels like the entire inside of your body is burning and it lasts for 3 days: -75

Sometimes you get a special power, like telepathy or precognition: +50

You don’t get to pick that power, so you might get stuck with “I can make you go blind for a little while” or no special power at all: -20

There’s no vampire law book: +10

The Volturi tell you what to do. And they freaky: -10

It’s really hard to kill a vampire, on account of the diamond-hard skin: +80

If you do get killed you look you’re made of delicious rock candy: +12

Being a newborn vampire means you’re stronger, faster, and better at being a vampire than the old fogies: +35

You’re still pretty strong and fast when you get to be hundreds of years old: +20

Having babies is impossible (but hey, no painful childbirth): -15

You can add to your family by turning dying people into vampires: +20

But they might be teenagers FOREVER (That thought is sending moms everywhere into fits of rage and sadness): -20

No bed times! Vampires don’t sleep, silly: +1000

No naps. Ever: -1002

Score: 124

True Blood


While the HBO series may offer the most sex, is vamp life really better when the training wheels are off? Being a vampire in Bon Temps may not be as easy as it sounds…

Yada, yada, you live forever: +3

You live on blood, but humans kinda get it because they drink yours to get high sometimes: +5

People might try to hunt you for your intoxicating blood: -15

Being a good guy is easy because Tru Blood, synthetic blood substitute (yummo?) exists: +40

Hiding your vampirism is so 19th century: +50

Since vamps are out, hatred towards them is more prevalent than racism: -80

Say you have a friend or lover who’s human and they’re dying. Feed ‘em your blood and they’re all better!: +90

Plus, as long as your blood is in their system, you can sense when they’re in danger and you can save them: +20

Say you only like your friend as a friend. When they drink your blood, they’re probably going to fall in love with you (awkward): -45

Sun will kill you: -100

But if you drink fairy blood, it lets you last a little longer in the sun, like yummy sunscreen: +50

But fairies taste so good, you’ll probably kill the one you find. They’re rare, so you’ll feel bad and you’ll never get to use the sunscreen again: -50

Because vampires are so common and out in society, gun stores sell lots of stakes and silver-based methods of torture: -30

When you die, you become a pile of goo resembling Red Vines left to soak in dish soap: -115

You can run fast and sort of fly and lift things that are really, really heavy. Cool beans, bro: +48

There are rules and restrictions on vampire behavior: -35

You’re very susceptible to witches’ curses: -42

When you change to vampire, you don’t become sexier, you just look slightly dead: -13

Your sex drive, however, goes way up: +27

Your fangs are retractable and strangely sexy because they come out when you’re angry, hungry, or feeling like a little sexy time: +25

You can make people do your bidding by glamoring them: +20

But you have to catch their gaze: -8

And you can’t do it to people with other supernatural powers, like Sookie: -4

Becoming a vamp is pretty painless. But you have to spoon all night with your mom/dad/maker to complete the process: +30

You have to sleep underground during the day: -75

When a vampire turns another vampire, they get to bark unavoidable commands that begin with “As your maker”: -34

Vampires have to share the spotlight with too many other supernaturals: -6

The “Vampire Bible” is pretty f**ked up: -32

Vampires can “claim” humans and that keeps them safe from all other vampires: +55

Score: -227

The Vampire Diaries


Finally, we have the other teen vampire: that of the CW hit series. This series’ love triangle may have one extra vampire and a severe lack of wolf, but it’s not enough to keep thirsty vampire fans at bay. Is it perhaps because we long for the life of our Mystic Falls vamps?

Again, immortality (shocker): +3

You can only drink blood: -3

And scotch: +15

Lots of scotch: +15

Blood bags are apparently endless and easy to get at Mystic Falls hospital: +28

And if you’re like Stefan, the woods are full of bunnies to eat: +10

Your blood has healing powers, so much so that the local hospital has a sly doctor who stocks up on it for her patients, which practically makes vampires humanitarians: +55

The older you are, the stronger you get: +40

Of course, that means the “Original” vampires, who happen to be evil in most cases, are going to beat you in a fight: -58

A single werewolf bite – not even a mauling – can kill you: -67

Becoming a vampire is easy. Drink blood, die, and come back to life. Pretty painless: +70

But if you don’t find something or someone to feed on in the first 24 hours, you die: -45

You can turn your emotions off, which is handy when your boyfriend dumps you: +25

But you risk becoming a ripper and murdering hundreds of innocent people with no remorse: -80

The sun will slowly kill you: -100

But not if you have a handy dandy daylight ring like most vamps do: +99

If you starve, you don’t die, you just get crusty and petrified: -30

If you die, you just turn greyish-purple and your veins pop out. Nothing too heinous: +5

Drinking another vampire’s blood is inherently sexual and personal: +15 (we think? It sounds pretty cool)

You can give people dreams… sometimes about sexytimes with yourself, you dirty dog: +10

You can also compel people to believe what you want them to believe or do what you want them to do: +25

Vampires aren’t socially accepted, so hiding is a good idea: -40

But, some people are understanding and willing to help: +22

Vampire sex is hotter, according to Caroline: +10

No vampire laws. Woo, we’re going streaking in the quad!: +60

Being a well-disguised vampire allows you to cheat high school society by being miraculously amazing at team sports: +18

Your skin doesn’t become pale when you’re a vampire: +6

Vervain is limited, but very debilitating. And it can be administered in way, way too many forms: -15

Score: 136

Winner: The Vampire Diaries!
(By a narrow margin.) And the prize? Bragging rights. You can’t really be a vampire, silly Vampire Diaries fans. 

Follow Kelsea on Twitter @KelseaStahler

[Photo Credit: HBO; The CW; Summit Entertainment]


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