There are some things that never cease to amaze me. One of those things is the fact that year after year, without fail, we continue to see dirty, crass and even cranky-as-hell comedians voicing children’s characters. At the risk of sounding like Jerry Seinfeld (who voiced a cartoon bee once), what’s up with that? This week, Hop hits theaters with Russell “Seagulling” Brand as the voice of the cuddly Easter bunny. Yeah, he’s a little mischievous and he plays the drums – also known as the devil’s instrument, amirite – but guys. He’s the freaking Easter Bunny. Am I the only one who finds it strange that a guy whose stand up consists of talking about the best way to masturbate and the burden of post-coital shame is voicing the furry guy who brings little kids plastic eggs filled with M&Ms? It’s weird. Maybe it works, but it’s still pretty weird.
On that note, you know what else would be weird? If any of these hilarious assholes and crass or cranky jokers suddenly turned kid-friendly and started voicing cartoon characters. But you know what would be fun? Imagining what that would look like. You probably shouldn’t share this with your kids.
Louis C.K. as One of Santa’s Reindeers
Typical joke: “Who wants to blow their husband? You want to blow a guy that you’ve been dating. And he’s mysterious and you suck his c*** and go home. Who wants to blow a guy and then go to Ikea with him all day?”
Basically, you’ve got a guy whose usual schtick is talking about how much being a middle aged guy sucks or about how to properly be racist and or use defamatory words. Sure he’s hilarious — I love pretty much everything he does — but should he ever voice a cuddly reindeer? Nope. What’s he going to talk about? Is he doing to ask Santa about his loveless marriage and the probability that he and Mrs. Clause haven’t had sex in 400 years?
Typical Joke: “I just f***ed that crowd in the ass. Just crowd, me BAM. Crowd, me, BAM. Crowd, me, BAM.” He also ends every joke with “Raaaaaaaaaaaandy.”
Yeah, sure his voice is entertaining on its own. And yeah, it’d be funny to him voice a frog, but in a South Park/Family Guy/Simpsons sort of way. He belongs far, far away from a kid-friendly froggy unless you’re hoping your kids hear about the last time the frog pleasured a lady underwater. Although, on second thought, a frog is probably better suited for that underwater activity than a comedian…see? It gets WEIRD.
Sarah Silverman as the Tooth Fairy
Typical joke: OMG POOP, you guys!*
*This is not an actual Sarah Silverman joke…but it may as well be.
Alright, her voice is kind of made for cartoon characters. I’ll give you that, but I mean REALLY? She’d probably prance around leaving bags of crusty old dog poop or smelly, moldy sandwiches under kids’ pillows because like oh my gosh you guys, I’m so cute and I wear pigtails and I’m a girl so I can do and say gross stuff and it’s so funny you guys!
Lewis Black as The Ugly Duckling
Typical Joke: “And then there’s the Homeland Security system. They had it color-coded, like we’re in f***ing elementary school! Simplify it, there should be just three levels of security: Jesus Christ, Goddammit, F**K ME!” (All while yelling angrily.)
This could actually work. Kind of. Well, not for kids. But it would be HILARIOUS. I’d watch that movie. I mean come on, a young duckling who’s ugly and so unhappy about it? Voiced by Mr. Anger Comedy himself? Jackpot. “I’m ugly? Guess what? You’re GONNA BE UGLY. Your mother is UGLY. Your father is UGLY. I’m going to be a F***ING SWAN SOMEDAY.”
Typical Lampanelli Joke: “With a big guy, it’s good. You always know when they’re ready for sex, ’cause naked, he looked like one of them butterball turkeys with the little pop-up timer.”
Typical Barry Joke: “I had sex recently. I took out the box of condoms. She takes the box from my hand, looks at it and goes, “Hey Todd, good choice.” Good choice. Now I didn’t expect her to be a virgin, but this is no time to show brand loyalty.”
This would just be 18 different kinds of weird. Lampanelli would be her bitchy, over-confident self, prancing around talking about how big her last boyfriend’s penis was while taunting Barry’s slow-moving, slow-talking tortoise as he finds reasons to complain about everything in his whispery, low grumble. When he wins, he’d be like yeah whatever as she makes some roast-worthy joke about how he’s probably not so well-endowed.