We are at the dawn of America’s political season. And like it or not, this country’s politics manifests in the form of an uncompromising dichotomy between the right and the left. The republicans and the democrats. The conservatives and the liberals. The red and the blue. The elephants and the donkeys. And while most of those things are inherently boring and lame, that last one is funny to think about: elephants and donkeys. Fending off against one another in a heated political race. That’s classic comedy.
And while some people might be more interested in taking a look at the “issues” each party seems so hell-bent on going on and on about, we’d prefer to devote focus to each party’s mascot — thrusting the unassuming land mammals into an all-out battle — assigning some of the most celebrated representatives of each species to a slew of all-important issues in an effort to determine which is truly better suited for the White House. Or whatever equivalent of a White House might exist in a race between cinematic depictions of pachyderms and domesticated ungulates.
But enough horsing around. It would behoove us to saddle up for the most important political race of our time! Elephants Vs. Donkeys!
The Disney District: Dumbo Vs. Pinocchio
Representing the Elephants: Dumbo D. Eisenhower
Platform: “Together, we can make the economy fly!”
Representing the Donkeys: James K. Pinocchio
Platform: “I’m a man who nose how to get things done.”
Sen. Pinocchio is a career politician; he knows how to spin a tale to convince anyone of anything. Gov. Dumbo, however, is an honest, hard-working man with humble beginnings. He’s the man for the job.
The Thousand Acre Wood District: The Heffalump Vs. Eeyore
Representing the Elephants: Irving P. Heffalump
Platform: “I’m quick and slick and so sincere!”
Representing the Donkeys: Chester A. Eeyore
Platform: “It’s not much of a policy, but I’m sort of attached to it.”
Councilman Eeyore is your sure bet here; Irving Heffalump (and his running-mate J. Wellington Woozle) are all about flash, pizzazz, style over substance.
The CGD (Computer Generated District): Horton Vs. Donkey
Representing the Elephants: Horton Humphries
Platform: “An elephant’s faithful: one hundred percent (with a two percent margin of error).”
Representing the Donkeys: Lyndonkey B. Johnson
Platform: “I’m making waffles… for America!”
This is the closest race so far — both candidates have exhibited integrity, ambition, and dedication. But when it comes down to it, Alderman Horton is the only one with the knowhow, determination, and good relationship with Whoville, to keep our country running smoothly.
The District of Sidekickery: Shep from George of the Jungle Vs. Baba Looey
Representing the Elephants: Jack “Shep” Shephard
Platform: “Speak softly, but carry a big milkbone.”
Representing the Donkeys: Robert Louis II
Platform: “El Kabong!”
A clear winner, Deputy Louis has a background in law enforcement, favoring peace over force. Dr. Shepherd is more of the rough-‘n’-ready, hotheaded type… no place for that in the Oval Office (nor is there actually physical room for him).
The Rare Disorders District: Elephant Man Vs. Julien Donkey-Boy
Representing the Elephants: John “Amerricka” Merrick
Platform: “I am not an animal! I am a president!”
Representing the Donkeys: Julien “The King” Donkeyson
Platform: “Who am I? … Your next leader, that’s who!”
A tough one, but Mayor John Merrick might inch out his counterpart by a few points. For one, he doesn’t suffer from schizophrenia. Also, David Lynch is slightly less of a nut than Harmony Korine. Slightly.
The Simpson Districts: Stampy from The Simpsons Vs. Duffy, the Legendary Anzac Donkey Who Helped Soldier John Kirkpatrick Simpson Save a Bunch of People Back Around World War I
Representing the Elephants: Ulysses Stampson Grant
Platform: “A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man… or the largest elephant.”
Representing the Elephants: J. K. Duffingham
Platform: “I’m bringing the Anzac legend to life!”
Gen. Duffingham gets the win here for one simple, steady reason: he actually existed. Also, Stampy (much like some people) is just kind of a jerk.
The District of Miscellanium: The Giant Elephant from 300 Vs. Donkey Kong
Representing the Elephants: Spiro A. LeFant
Platform: “I’ll stomp out rising taxes!”
Representing the Donkeys: Donald K. Kongsbury
Platform: “I’ve got a barrel of new ideas for this country.”
Finally, Sen. Donkey Kong takes it. He’s an American hero, defending the world against crocodiles, winning tirelessly in go-kart races, and associating diplomatically with both Maj. M. Mario and King Bowser of the Koopa Empire.
[Photo Credits: Disney, 20th Century Fox, Dreamworks, Hannah-Barbera, Paramount Pictures, Fine Line Features, Fox, AWM.gov, Warner Bros., Nintendo]