Did you guys know that they’re looking at a three-toed sloth to play Christian Grey in the Fifty Shades of Grey movie? Word has it, he really gets the ladies (like Kristen Bell) going. Speaking of which, do you think she’d make a good Anastasia Steele? I know she’s a blonde, but that’s nothing a little dye-job can’t fix!
This is how rumors get started, you guys. Alright, well, this particular rumor probably isn’t going to stick, but after the names we’ve seen flying around the Fifty Shades movie like the fronds of a flogger (or are they tendrils?), it can’t be all that far off.
The latest name of an incredibly attractive male actor to be thrown into the Christian Grey ring with Alexander Skarsgard, Ian Somerhalder, Matthew Bomer, and Colonel Mustard, er, I mean Henry Cavill is none other than the Baby Goose himself, Ryan Gosling. According to an interview with Now magazine, E.L. James’ husband, Niall Leonard, says that “last he heard” the first choice to take on Mr. Grey was Gosling. And this is the point at which we collectively roll our eyes and add, “Sure, and I bet Hologram Tupac is the new American Idol judge this season.” That’s where the Fifty Shades casting rumors now lie: a notch below rumors of Idol’s replacements for Steven Tyler and Randy Jackson at the Table of the Coca-Cola Chalices.
But why is Gosling the final straw? Let’s start with the fact that he’s one of the (if not the) most universally desirable actors out there, in both a casting sense and an “in your dreams, Kelsea” sense. Let’s follow that up with the fact that he’s actually a talented actor who’d be better served spending an entire movie staring silently at Carrie Mulligan than reciting lines about how much he loves Coldplay and BDSM. And let’s follow that up with the way in which his name has been thrown out for consideration: the guy who’s married to the author thinks that “last he heard” they were looking at possibly trying to get Gosling as their first choice. And this comes in the face of James’ numerous tweets refuting any credibility in the constant casting rumors. That’s a whole lot of maybe.
Add this to the fact that every casting rumor for Fifty Shades has come out of thin air, or thanks to actors with Christian Grey-esque qualities answering reporters’ questions about their aptitude for the role. Skarsgard said in May that he’d be into the role, so naturally he’s a serious contender. (Joe Mangianello spoke favorably of the possibility too, but he plays a werewolf on TV, so let’s be real — he doesn’t stand a chance.) Somerhalder said he’d be “up for it” and that it would be “very, very amazing” so he’s definitely hovering over a contract with a quill and ink. Throw in a handful of other stars who’ve said they were interested in passing or were photoshopped onto the cover of EW, and you’ve got a cut-throat battle to nab the role of a lifetime — in a movie that’s so heavily based in (possibly inaccurate) BDSM sex that we’re not sure it could be made accurately without bearing the cross of an NC-17 rating, at the very least.
So what does this all have to do with American Idol? In case you’ve missed it, the reality series has been at the center of a casting scramble since Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler announced their departures from their judging posts (ERMAHGERD). Since those couple of days, every casting rumor — even a joke thrown out by producer Nigel Lythgoe about nabbing Charlie Sheen — has been genuinely entertained by fans and the media. A star tweets about enjoying the show, suddenly they’re “in talks” to judge. Everyone with an ounce of musical talent, from Kanye West to Keith Urban, has been rumored to be eyeing a spot at the judging table. And yet, the only one of those seats that is officially filled is that of Mariah Carey, which was announced way back in July. Doesn’t this all sound a little familiar?
Let’s all do ourselves a favor and give the casting rumors for this Fifty Shades adaptation a rest until someone actually finishes the script for this improbable film and actually starts casting it. Cool? Cool.
Follow Kelsea on Twitter @KelseaStahler