10 Reasons The Ridiculous Hillary Clinton Biopic Will Never Get Made

Credit: Cynthia Johnson/Getty Images

Like Scarface and Honey Boo Boo, Hillary Clinton is a polarizing figure, which naturally makes her the perfect subject of a biographical feature film. If only there was such a script floating around, just waiting to be scooped up and produced… Oh wait! There is. Simply title Rodham, the film was written by Young Il Kim of South Korea. While no actors have been cast, the film has begun its pre-production tango with producers Wyck Godfrey and Marty Bowen, with James Ponsoldt signed on to direct. So this thing is happening.

But the film covers the life of Clinton in a, well, interesting way. The Daily Beast got their hands on what may or may not be a final draft of the screenplay, and it’s completely insane. There’s wild speculation on the relationship between Bill and Hillary, a harpy-esque Hillz stepping on the toes of justice, and, of course, the paintsuit origin story. Here are 10 details from the script which show why this gonzo tale will probably never get end up being made.

1. Bill Clinton’s Boob Obession. Apparently Slick Willie mentions how the watermelons of Hope, Arkansas, are the “firmest, juiciest melons” he’s seen. And that’s because Bill likes big boobs! Big, watermelon-shaped boobs. It’s edgy because boobs.

2. The Blatant Hatred of Lady Equality. Hillary is called “the valedictorian of the ‘look-like-shit school of feminism.'” You think Hillary’s going to sign-off on such a whitewash of her character? The over-done joke is a real bore, my dears.

3. Because This: “It depends upon what the meaning of the word ‘sex’ means.” — Oh, hey, look! An allusion to Bill’s words during the Lewinsky scandal. Does this depend on what the definition of “trite” is? 

4. Aforementioned Paintsuit Origin Story. John Doar, a former boss of Hillary’s, suggests she lose her skirts in favor of the ever-so-practical pantsuit while working on the Nixon impeachment committee. It contains the line “From this day forward, she will always wear pantsuits.” And so it was written into the Constitution.

5. There Are Saxophones. Bill plays Hillary both “Happy Birthday” and “Hail to the Chief” on the saxophone.

6. Hillary’s Trucker Mouth. Hillary says at one point in the script: “I fuckin’ love you. I mean that. I love you, and I want to fuck you” to Bill. And apparently she often says “motherfuckin’,” which just tickles Bill’s bits.

7. Because of This Whole Scene: Bill Clinton’s mother, Virginia, does not like Hillary because she thinks that Hillary should be a pie-baking, sock-darning, seed-carrying accessory to her baby Bill. When she urges Hillary to wear something pretty to make her son happy, Hillary goes and puts on an old blue (!!) prom dress. 

8. The Kooky Family Members. Shortly after the prom dress incident (which somehow didn’t involve underage sex and an adult contemporary soundtrack form the 80s), Bill’s half-brother Roger Clinton Jr., (18 at this point) asks a group of gathered folk, “Who do you think fucked more women? Bill or Hillary?” and all of Bill’s friends laugh and laugh and laugh. Roger is depicted as a stoner with a bong. Hey, at least some of this sounds true.

9. This Movie is Actually Just About Bill’s Sexcapades. “Hillary bursts into Bill’s office to complain of her treatment just as a 20-year-old giggling coed comes out. Bill explains that she’s a former student of his and the president of the Arkansas College Democrats. It’s one of many references to Bill’s popularity with the ladies.” Ladies Love Cool Bill.

10. All of the President Talk. Hillary’s friend Betsey Wright at one point screams, “You can’t both be president!” Which is a line that will definitely be used in a trailer someday alongside a stoic-looking, determined face of a young Hillary Clinton. It almost sounds worth it! Ha, just kidding you guys.

Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes

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