Hollywood’s Highs And Lows: July 6, 2010

Today’s Highs

ALTIn The Future, All Journalism Will Be This Doubleplusgood.

The Onion News Network, home of all fake news stories that hit uncomfortably close to home has come out with a 12-minute, special edition report, Future: News From the Year 2137, availible for purchase today on iTunes. Now usually I don’t condone spending money on anything, ever (why eat out when Whole Foods has perfectly good dumpsters?) but if you have $2 to blow, you could do worse than supporting one of the funniest groups on the intertubes. The special, which took a year to film, brings you the world’s top news stories from 2137 AD. I know it’s a bit early for him, timeline-wise, but I can’t help hoping that everyone’s favorite futuristic news reporter, Morbo, makes an appearance. 

Today’s Lows

ALTThis Week In The Obvious: Reality Dating Shows Do Not Create Long-Lasting Relationships

In shocking news, Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi, the “winners” of the last season of The Bachelor, are breaking up in typical reality style: messily and on TV. Who could have guessed that two people who got to know each other on national TV might not get along in real life? Still,  since they seem intent on airing their grievances to America at large as though we were their own personal sassy gay friend, they’re at least having the courtesy to be pathetically entertaining in the process. The couples’ complaints range from the almost sitcom cliche (she doesn’t listen to his directions in the car!) to the uniquely surreal (he doesn’t fly planes anymore!), but it’s refreshing to see any sort of genuine emotion in reality TV, even if it’s sheer annoyance and dislike. The whole interview is imbeded below, but stuff starts to get violent around 6 minutes in.

ALTNo, Mr. Bond, I Did Not Expect You To Die

Daniel Craig’s third James Bond film, which would have been written by Peter Morgan of Frost/Nixon and directed by Sam Mendes, is officially kaput due to MGM’s financial woes. While it seems unlikely that this will be the end of the Bond series as a whole (if it can survive George Lazenby, it can survive anything), it will probably be the end of this specific production. It’s a huge missed opportunity for the studio: both in terms of talent, which we’re unlikely to see together again; and in marketability, since Craig has been the most exciting and popular 007 in years. Plus, without a place for Bond in our cinemas, who will save us from evil world domination conspiracies and elaborate deadly contraptions? I’ll leave you with a reminder of happier times: remember when Quantum Of Solace‘s dumb name was the most of our problems?