In the Event of These Airplane Movie Emergencies…

Flight

Air travel might be one of the safest modes of transportation (right up there with teleportation and Imperial Walkers), but it doesn’t really seem that way when you take Hollywood into consideration. The new Robert Zemeckis film Flight, which stars Denzel Washington as an airline pilot with substance abuse issues, reminds us of all the dangers that have occurred aboard cinematic airlines. When you board a plane in the real world, they’re always sure to warn about turbulence, storms, and the rest of those humdrum issues. But what about the real problems? The ones you see in the movies? Luckily, our own team of on staff flight attendants have devised a presentation to warn all flyers about the dangers they might face them when boarding a big screen plane:Welcome to Hollywood Airlines — Flight 815 with nonstop service from the top of this page to right above the photo credit. At this time, we ask you to listen carefully to the following airline safety presentation, as there are many dangers that can occur during air travel.

In the event that the entire flight crew gets food poisoning from eating bad fish, find an emotionally rattled ex-pilot on board and talk him into saving the day using a Knute Rockne-inspired speech. (Airplane!)

In the event that a psychotic demolitions expert boards your plane, make sure you have a member of the Rat Pack on hand to talk him out of doing anything crazy. (Airport)

In the event that you are seated next to John Candy, do not engage in conversation — this will only result in a long, arduous, multi-vehicular cross-country journey that will test your every nerve (albeit instilling within you a newfound appreciation for the values of humanity and friendship). Ditto for Zach Galifianakis. (Planes, Trains and Automobiles and Due Date)

In the event of snakes on your plane, realize quickly that the entertainment value in schlock of the sort only comes when it’s not played up intentionally… also, probably get a snakebite kit, or something. How does that movie end? (Flightplan)

In the event that your entire aircraft is overrun by psychotic ex-cons… prepare for the very worst. And crank some Skynyrd. (Con Air)

In the event that you see a gremlin on the wing of the plane, don’t tell anyone. They’ll just think you’re crazy. (The Twilight Zone)

In the event that you are President Harrison Ford, feel free to take all matters into your own hands. (Air Force One)

Finally, in the event that you were destined to take this ill-fated flight, which will inevitably crash land on an uncharted island, inhabited by mythical creatures, polar bears, a mysterious community of zealots, just go with it. It’ll eventually teach you about the wonders of this crazy world. (Lost)

Thank you very much! We hope you enjoy your trip aboard Hollywood airlines. Please enjoy a complimentary bag of peanuts, and the in-flight movie: Soul Plane.[Photo Credit: Paramount Pictures]

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Staff editor Michael Arbeiter’s natural state of being can best be described as “mild panic attack.” His earliest memories of growing up in Queens, New York, involve nighttime conversations with a voice from his bedroom wall (the jury’s still out on what that was all about) and a love for classic television that spawned from the very first time he was allowed to watch “The Munsters.” Attending college at SUNY Binghamton, a 20-year-old Michael learned two things: that he could center his future on this love for TV and movies, and that dragons never actually existed — he was kind of late in the game on that one.

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