Joaquin Phoenix’s Guide Back to Acting

ALT TEXTTonight, one of the biggest stories (hoaxes) in Hollywood finally comes to an end. I’m Still Here — the documentary about the lost year in Joaquin Phoenix‘s life — premieres at the Toronto International Film Festival.

Rumors are already fluttering that I’m Still Here is one big, fat joke. The Hollywood Reporter is claiming that Phoenix’s hiatus from acting wasn’t exactly a true hiatus. Supposedly, the actor had numerous offers in different films — offers that he was interested in as well.

The most recent was The Raven, a period thriller centering on Edgar Allen Poe starring Jeremy Renner. John Cusack ended up taking the role, but regardless, Phoenix made it clear that he wants to act again — and we think he should! He’s done tremendous work and here are a few suggestions we have for how he should get his career back on track:

Do A Really Funny Movie

Look, the whole rap act was funny. It really was. When he was on Letterman making an ass of himself and making everyone watching (including Dave himself) extremely uncomfortable, it was great. The video circled the internet, and people thought he was hilarious — until it became repetitive. We kept seeing the same coked out, demented-looking Joaquin on the news. And then, he announced this documentary. Basically, he went from funny gag-man to crazy wacko.

So here’s a solution: Do something actually funny. Call up Will Ferrell, Zach Galifianakis or Steve Carrell and set up a comedy with them. Show people your likable side because right now, all we know is crazy — and no one really likes crazy (just ask Amy Winehouse).

Take a Horror Role

Joaquin, admit it. You’re a pretty weird dude. Imagine channeling that awkwardness/bizarreness into a crazy horror role. Granted, you wouldn’t become Mr. Likable as a mass murderer, but if you acted well (which you no doubt would), people would respect you again, which eventually would lead to them liking you again. Maybe you could grab that role as the Riddler in the next Batman film?

Walk the Line

Make Another Biopic

We all know Phoenix can act. He channeled Johnny Cash in Walk the Line. So, show us again! Why not? Everyone knows that the Academy loves biopics. If he delivered a fantastic portrayal of a former politician or historical figure, he’d be nearly guaranteed an Oscar, and everyone would love him again. Imagine him giving that acceptance speech and thanking everyone for being patient with him through the dark times. It’d be moving. People would cry. And he would be back on top! Except he’ll have to keep one thing in mind — do a picture with a little less drug use.

Actually Retire from Acting

If those options don’t sound appealing to you, Joaquin, then that’s cool, just retire. You’ve given us some great performances over the years, so if you want to quit, then quit! Enough with the documentary crap. It’s all a bad joke. We don’t care anymore. Figure out who you want to be, and go be it. You have our blessing.