Let’s face it, the core reason anyone is excited about seeing Alexandre Aja’s remake of Piranha is because it has 3D at the end of the title. Whenever any movie decides to go the 3D route, they’re making a promise that they’ve got something extra special in store for the audience. As anyone who has seen some of the more recent 3D films to hit theaters knows, that’s not always the case. But judging from all of the trailers, all the marketing materials and interviews, Piranha 3D is well aware of that fact. They know damn well that people like me will be lining up for it at midnight because we want to see a bunch of co-eds get devoured by a bunch of piranha while body parts, swim tops, and carnivorous fish fly off the screen.
Sure, I’d be excited about it because of the plot (an earthquake unleashes an ancient species of the killer fish during spring break) and the cast (Ving Rhames, Elisabeth Shue, Christopher Lloyd, Jerry O’Connell, and Richard Dreyfus) and the filmmaker (I dig the hell out of Aja’s remake of The Hills Have Eyes), but this is one of the few 3D films in recent months that I will gladly pay an extra premium to see in the third dimension precisely because of how absurd it will be. Which has me wondering…what other “bad” movies might I have been vastly improved had they had the foresight to be released in 3D?
Snakes on a Plane
I actually wasn’t sure if Snakes on a Plane would make the cut when I first put together a roster of flicks that belong on this list. After all, the name Snakes on a Plane really is all of the motivation I need to show up opening day. It’s the kind of novelty, “We get it, we know you love B-movies” title that plays straight to my sensibilities. But Snakes on a Plane 3D? That’s aging the cheese a further 10 years.
Scene Most Deserving of 3D: It’s got to be the bathroom sex scene. Boobs and genital-biting snakes in 3D? Yep, I’d buy that for an extra $5.
Chairman of the Board
Remember Carrot Top? No, not the jacked-up, muscle-stacked protomale he’s become in recent years; the crude, but not too crude so as to offend families, prop comic turned actor extraordinary. His best movie is definitely Chairman of the Board, but saying that is like saying having your eyeballs molested is definitely better than them being raped. But if all his goofy antics were in 3D? If all those moments that he lunges at the camera like he is actually going to violate the audience appeared to extend beyond the screen? It would be the most intense drinking game movie ever.
Scene Most Deserving of 3D: Obviously the one where Estelle Harris gives Carrot Top a ton of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li
I don’t think anyone actually expected Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li to be a good movie, but I think few among us could have predicted just how staggeringly bad it would end up being. The only thing that could possibly breath some life into this crime scene would be an extra dimension. Just imagine Chris Klein’s forehead sweating in 3D. Or, better yet, Kristin Kreuk’s painfully awkward club dancing scene.
Scene Most Deserving of 3D: Honestly, the only thing about The Legend of Chun Li that I want to see in 3D is Chris Klein’s Charlie Nash be the supercop that he is. Anything that can put the spotlight even more so on him is okay in my book.
Let’s just imagine Troll 2 in 3D for a second. Director Claudio Fragasso barely understands how to make a motion picture in two dimensions. I’d sell organs to see what the product of him trying to wrap his head around the added logistics would look like. I imagine it would go so completely wrong that Fragasso would somehow invent the opposite of 3D. Troll 2: In Nega3D! It would change lives.
Scene Most Deserving of 3D: Of course it has to be the “You don’t piss on hospitality” sequence. That’s a no brainer.
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Okay, so Anchorman isn’t a bad movie. It’s pretty damned funny, actually, which is all it needs to be, but, had the cast and crew of that flick decided to kick things up a further notch on the irreverent scale by playing around with 3D? I’m already giggling at the possibilities.
Scene Most Deserving of 3D: The battle royale with all of the rival news networks. It’d make 300’s spectacle look like Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li.