The Movie Ratings System Just Got a Little Bit More Ridiculous

Credit: MPAA

The current rating descriptor for Jurassic Park 3D warns that the re-released PG-13 classic has “intense science fiction terror.” Fair enough, but what exactly qualifies as “intense science fiction terror”? Conventional wisdom would tell you that’s Alien but in space no one can hear you scream. It’s not that Jurassic Park isn’t intense (twenty years later, the kitchen raptor sequence is still nightmare fuel) but that’s still pretty vague in the already deeply flawed ratings system by the MPAA. 

According to the Associated Press, the Motion Picture Association of America announced on Tuesday they will begin to roll out more “prominent descriptions explaining why a movie received its rating” with the descriptions in large type next to the given rating. After all, won’t somebody please think of the children?! How are parents supposed to know exactly what “a sexual reference”, “thematic elements”, “some scary action”, or a “disturbing image” would qualify as? 

So, perhaps instead of the “intense science fiction terror” warning, a new Jurassic Park 3D explanation would be “intense science fiction terror, including violence, children in peril, animals in peril, RAPTORS, mild blood, mild language, and excessive wearing of khaki shorts.” While the MPAA assured the new system will make the descriptors “easier to read”, parents groups and gun groups were apparently “greeted the announcement with a shrug.” (For the record, a shrug would probably get a PG rating). 

Until the new ratings system gets under way, we here at Hollywood wanted to help out and give you more detailed ratings descriptors for some movies currently in theaters: 

Jack the Giant Slayer

Current descriptor: Rated PG-13 for intense scenes of fantasy action violence, some frightening images and brief language.
New descriptor: Rated PG-13 for intense scenes of fantasy action violence, some frightening images, brief language, improper use and distribution of beans, castle storming. 

To The Wonder

Current descriptor: Rated R for some sexuality/nudity. 
New descriptor: Rated R for some sexuality/nudity, excessive twirling that may cause motion sickness. 

The Host

Current descriptor: Rated PG-13 for some sensuality and violence. 
New descriptor: Rated PG-13 for some sensuality, violence, glaringly obvious Mormon themes, and Stephenie Meyer’s undoing whatever empowerment you taught your daughter. 

Spring Breakers

Current Descriptor: Rated R For strong sexual content throughout, language, nudity, drug use, and violence.
New Descriptor: Look at my Rated R s*iiiiiiiiiiiit. Look at my strong sexual content throughout including a threesome with James Franco you couldn’t scrub from your brain if you tried. Look at my f**kin’ language and my Calvin Klein Escape! Look at my nudity because it’s all you’ll see for two hours. Look at my drug use, look at my violence. Oh, and look at my f**kin’ nunchucks! 

Tyler Perry’s Temptation: Confessions Of A Marriage Counselor

Current descriptor: Rated PG-13 for some violence, sexuality and drug content.
New descriptor: Tyler Perry Presents PG-13 for some violence, sexuality, drug content, Kim Kardashian attempting to convey human emotion, and an excessive amount of plot twists about HIV.  

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