Now that Joseph Gordon-Levitt and his fixed gear, steel frame bicycle have pedaled onto the action movie scene, we’ve reached a crucial moment. We may have run out of exciting, dangerous vehicles to use as pegs for great action stories.
Bikes were the last, albeit unexpected, frontier. As a seven-year veteran of New York, I’m well aware that anyone who chooses to dodge in an out of traffic on a bike (let alone one without breaks) is taking their life in their hands. It’s truly a terrifying daily activity, and this weekend’s Premium Rush solidifies that. But that’s it. What else have we got left? We’ve covered everything from VW Bugs to Greyhound busses, to skateboards and fishing boats. I’m calling it. It’s time to move onto the next logical vehicle: the Zamboni. Or the zip line, or the Segway, followed swiftly by the pogo stick. The possibilities are endless, really.
Naturally, we’ve got an idea of what that might look like:
ZAMBONI: The Movie
Tagline: “All heat, no speedometer.”
Starring: Danny McBride as the Zamboni Driver
Premise: Jeff (McBride) is just your average Zamboni driver, living for the thrill of melting ice with his high-powered vehicle, though it generally runs at a glacial pace. But when terrorists hijack Jeff’s ice rink for their own sadistic purposes, the average Joe is forced to take matters into his own hands. It’s time for evil to find out what life is like on a vehicle whose speed is without measure. *
*Literally, Zambonis don’t have speedometers.
Tagline: “Zip this.”
Premise: Chet (LeBeouf) thought he was getting a pretty sweet deal: summer job in Alaska, giving zip line tours to the jubilant, chatty cruise line passengers dumped on shore by day, partying with his fellow hot, young tour guides around campfires at night. But when a greedy business developer (Glover) hatches a seedy plan to destroy the zip line forest to build shiny, new condos, Chet is forced to stop him. By any means necessary.
Steel Spring Revolution
Tagline: “Earth to Aliens: It’s time to bounce.”
Starring: Kellan Lutz as the Pogo Champion
Premise: Extreme pogo is not just a good time, it’s a way of life. And when an alien invasion threatens to destroy Pittsburgh during the annual Pogopalooza* completion, it’s up to Biff (Lutz) and his friends to use their gravity-defying skills to defeat the intergalactic foes.
*Pogopalooza is a real competition that takes place in Pittsburgh.
All The President’s Wheels
Tagline: “D.C., meet your unlikeliest hero.”
Starring: Jason Schwartzman as a D.C. Segway tour guide
Premise: American History expert Bob Benson (Schwartzman) was laughed out of academia by his colleagues when a simple fact-checking mistake rendered his book on the life of Herbert Hoover the joke of the entire historian community. Now, he gives Segway tours of Washington’s National Treasures. That is, until he is the sole witness to a major heist on the National Gallery, and with his silent, upright vehicle, finds the courage to teach the thieves that no one messes with America.
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