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Remember Me? I’m Britney Spears!

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Lemme explain the last 10 years … narrated by our alter ego*, Britney Spears
*(Just kidding.)

My First Song!

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I remember I kept sayin’, “Y’all, it’s B-R-I-T-N-E-Y, not B-R-I-T-T-A-N-Y.” (“Hit Me Baby One More Time” plays softly in the background.) This was when I wasn’t as famous as Brittany Murphy — I know, LOL, right? Mom thought I stabbed her in the back by going along with this sex-playpen thing, but she was just mad because everyone started asking her if my boobs were real or not. But whatever, it reads “safe sex” if you ask me. For heaven’s sake, I’m wearing full-bottoms, and I’m hugging a Teletubby (Tinky-Winky, I don’t care if you’re gay or not). And wow, my stomach looks AMAZING. Dad’s right here, and he agrees.

KEEP READING: My One and Only Boyfriend of Four Years![PAGEBREAK]

My One and Only Boyfriend of Four Years!

I mean, COME ON. Nobody actually believed me (or my, ahem, Momma …) when I said I was a virgin, right? That I wouldn’t have sex with the scrumptious lead singer of *NSYNC? Y’all are sweet. I miss Justin — though I’m kinda surprised he’s dating a brunette now, hmph. Mickey Mouse may have been my first love (heck, Justin’s, too!), but J.T. wasn’t too far behind …

KEEP READING: My First “Oops!”[PAGEBREAK]

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My First “Oops!”

Yanking off a conservative menswear outfit to reveal a nekkid-lookin’ sequin-scattered panty-hose pant with a flared leg, matching bra, and — oh, yes — a hiked up g-string? Yeah, I did it. And, guess what? I’d do it again. No “oops” about it. Little girls all over this world love me.

KEEP READING: My First Worst Breakup![PAGEBREAK]


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My First Worst Breakup!

Oh, fudge. Just saw “Cry Me a River” on MTV. Whoopsie. I mean, I went to wash the Fred Durst off me as quick as I could. I was being respectful! But Justin, letting that brunette (ugh, figures) gnaw on his lip like that — now, that was rude.

KEEP READING: My First Movie![PAGEBREAK]

My First Movie!

I have no regrets about Crossroads. Why would I? I am still the most famous girl of all. Taryn Manning and Zoe Saldana, what the hell were y’all thinking?! Oh, betcha didn’t know that the writer now writes Grey’s Anatomy! Shonda Rhimes, can’t I guest-star, puh-leeeease?

KEEP READING: My Favorite Pet![PAGEBREAK]

My Favorite Pet!

OMG, it’s Reg the boa constrictor! I named him after the boyfriend from high school that gave me new meaning to Madonna‘s song, “Like a Virgin.” Get it? He’s a … snake! And when pigs-snakes-whatever can fly would “I’m a Slave 4 U” be about you, Reg Jones.

KEEP READING: My First Lesbian Kiss (That You Know of)![PAGEBREAK]

My First Lesbian Kiss (That You Know of)!

Speaking of “Like a Virgin,” I sing it way better than Drrty Xtina. That’s why Madonna Frenched me longer than her.

KEEP READING: My First Marriage![PAGEBREAK]

My First Marriage!

Well, this is weird. I have no recollection of him. But according to US Weekly (I have a subscription!), I was married to him for 55 hours. Wow. But no offense to boy-I-don’t-know, I kinda think the Jason Alexander on Seinfeld is way cuter. I have a thing for bald heads …

KEEP READING: My Second Marriage![PAGEBREAK]

My Second Marriage!

OK, I remember him. He was a backup dancer for (sniff) Justin. I (gulp) married him. Yes, duh, with a pre-nup, of course. Jeez, y’all.

KEEP READING: My First Reality TV Show![PAGEBREAK]

My First Reality TV Show!

Life got real, real chaotic. It was, like, all of a sudden, you know what I mean? I was sick of being misunderstood (like when I went barefoot in that bathroom at the gas station — people, I SWEAR I took a shower that day). Kevin convinced me that we needed to show everyone that we were just like the Lacheys …

KEEP READING: My First Kids![PAGEBREAK]

My First Kids!

If you’ve got a problem with me, Britney Jean Spears, feeding my sons, Sean Preston and Jayden Federline, big-grab-sized bags of Cheetos, you can just SHUT IT. Because I thank God every day for creating Cheetos.

KEEP READING: My Short-Lived Friendship With Paris Hilton![PAGEBREAK]

My Short-Lived Friendship With Paris Hilton!

Just before me and Paris removed our panties, I spelled out D-I-V-O-R-C-E, and sent the text message to K-Fed FedEx. Paris and I were friends for, like, two days, but what nobody knows is: I broke up with her. Why? Let’s just say that I prefer the Holiday Inn …

KEEP READING: My First Bald Head![PAGEBREAK]

My First Bald Head!

I hand-picked the spot: Esther’s Haircutting Studio in Tarzana, Calif. But dang it if Esther weren’t the biggest wimp to ever own a hair salon. She wouldn’t shave my head! She just wouldn’t. So, I did it (and it really brought out my eyes!). It was like I was given permission to beat that one car with an umbrella, too.

KEEP READING: My Most Embarrassing Moment![PAGEBREAK]

My Most Embarrassing Moment!

“Gimme More” was an awesome song, but gawd, that OUTFIT. The weave! Why was I dancing like … like bad. Ugh, someone, I need a Frappuccino.

KEEP READING: My One-Millionth Frappuccino![PAGEBREAK]

My One-Millionth Frappuccino!

I lost my boys, and not even a million Frappuccinos could make me feel better. I was heartbroken. I hated the court room. Every perv in the world was chasing me with big expensive cameras. Lufti. Adnan. And — BIG groan — I got a babysitter, and his name is Dad.

KEEP READING: My Favorite Cameo![PAGEBREAK]

My Favorite Cameo!

Just when I thought life couldn’t get dumpier, I was right! It couldn’t. Neil Patrick Harris saved me. I’m bummed he didn’t trust me with Doogie Howser, M.D., but he let me visit him — twice! — on the set of How I Met Your Mother. He’s like a gay brother to me.

KEEP READING: My Comeback![PAGEBREAK]

My Comeback!

Despite Momma’s new book insinuating that life with me is like some sort of a weather problem, I was groomed for a comeback. I went to the gym. A lot. I went to Frappuccino rehab. Then, after co-starring in MTV commercials with a big elephant in the room, I was given three moon men! (Before then, I’d been a virgin to moon men.) I was speechless. I really was. I did it with no snakes. No Madonna makeout. Just lil’ ol’ me.

KEEP READING: My Awesome Documentary[PAGEBREAK]

My Awesome Documentary!

Seven words: Like, what the hell was I thinkin’? I’m admitting it all. To everyone. You might think that my life is a weird one, but it’s growing out big-time — just like my hair.

ALSO READ:
Do It Today: Britney Spears, Circus
World of Britney Fan Site | Britney Spears Media Fan Site | BritneySpears.org Fan Site

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