Review

Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid Review

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Aug 27, 2004 | 12:41pm EDT

Organized by a powerful pharmaceutical company a scientific expedition is sent into the deep dark jungles of Borneo to search for a rare blood-red orchid which may or may not unlock the secrets of youth and immortality. "Bigger than Viagra!" states one company exec. No kidding. The thing is the flower only blooms every seven years and it would take about 100 orchids to yield just a small amount of juice. Doesn't sound very practical if you're talking about the fountain of youth here. Imagine the demands…but I digress. What the group--which includes an obsessed scientist (Matthew Marsden); his money-hungry business partner (Morris Chestnut); the scientist's beautiful assistant (Kadee Strickland); the company's bitchy representative (Salli Richardson-Whitfield); the tough-as-nails (but very hunky) river boat captain (Johnny Messner); the comic relief (Eugene Byrd); and a couple of others--doesn't know is that these flowers have been pumping up the local fauna namely the anacondas (who are actually only native to the Amazon but hey Borneo works) as they derive their super strength and vitality from the orchids not to mention their appetites. Uh-oh. We've just got to get these crazy kids together.

You know you're in trouble when the only name you recognize on the marquee is Morris Chestnut. Not to say Chestnut best known for supporting roles in films such as Half Past Dead and Two Can Play That Game isn't a capable actor; he's just not really a name. Apparently Anacondas producers wanted to go with unknowns to separate itself from its predecessor. That and the fact most of the original cast bought the farm in the first Anaconda except for Jennifer Lopez who for obvious reasons wouldn't touch this sequel with a ten-foot pole. So. What we are left with are some pretty green actors who do their very best (which isn't saying much) to act horrified and deliver such stellar dialogue as "Everything gets eaten out here. It's a jungle" or "We are young single and in Borneo." Byrd (8 Mile) stands out slightly as the wisecracking techno geek who does some of the better freak-out scenes. But if you really want to know it's the river boat captain's pet organ-grinder monkey who steals the show; you can just feel his tension as he's running away from the slithering predators.

A sequel to a cheesy snake movie that only made money because it had a seriously disturbed cult following? What's next Showgirls 2? Anacondas classic movie monster set up is the only thing its got going for it and director Dwight H. Little (Murder at 1600) utilizes this structure to the best of his abilities showing a lot of snake some swallowing of humans and very little else. And nothing can get better than a giant snake orgy. Oh you heard right. The reason there is a plural on the end of the title (and trust me I'm not giving anything away) is that it's mating season for those frisky anacondas--and all the males have come running to find the delicious female in heat chomping on the flowers and getting huge. This is Borneo after all where apparently snake lovin' is a must. Beyond this bit of salaciousness the plot holes logic and just about anything else in the film are so appalling you actually wish the campy Jon Voight from the original movie would pop up as the mastermind behind the whole operation explaining how he was the one who brought the anacondas from the Amazon to Borneo. Now that would be a twist.

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