Smurfs In The Real World

In this weekend’s bluest animated feature, The Smurfs take on the Big Apple. But in the film, they’re trying desperately to get out of New York and back to their Smurftastic home. That’s all well and good, but what if they got stuck in the city and had to assimilate? Well, here are a few ways the Smurfs could adapt to their new digs and become real life New Yorkers.

Papa Smurf: Macy’s Santa Claus
Papa Smurf Santa

What could we do with the kindest, wisest Smurf? Give him the most easily lovable, wonderful, joyous job in all of New York. The man who manages to warm New Yorkers’ cold, cold hearts for just five minutes at the end of every Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade as he rings in the official start of the Christmas season: Santa Claus. Plus, the fact that he already has a white beard couldn’t hurt.

Smurfette: The Next Lauren Conrad
Lauren Conrad Smurfette

She’s cute, she’s blonde, she’s a total sweetheart, and she is over the moon when she discovers New York fashion. Sure, she could be the next Anna Wintour or Diane Von Furstenberg, but she’s just a little too rosy for that. She could follow in the footsteps of fellow blondie and recent NYC transplant, Lauren Conrad. She may have gotten into some serious trouble on The Hills, but LC’s always been one of the good ones.

Brainy Smurf: Hipster Shilling For Greenpeace
Brainy Smurf Greenpeace

If you’ve not been to New York, you may be lucky enough to have never been hassled by folks standing on the sidewalk pestering you until you donate to ____ desperate/in-need cause until you burst and say something ridiculous like, “I HATE THE ENVIRONMENT, LEAVE ME ALONE. I JUST WANT TO BUY MY FALAFEL.” Brainy Smurf is sure he knows more about this issue than you do and he’s got the hipster glasses to prove it. You might donate just because you want him to stop spewing his “expertise.”

Grouchy Smurf: The Larry David-esque Lifelong New Yorker
Grouchy Smurf

He hates everything, just like every old guy who’s lived in New York his entire life. The only things he actually enjoys are chess games in Washington Square and black coffee from the crappy, ancient diner on the corner. He’s perfectly happy grumbling to himself and rambling about terrible everything has become. Plus he looks great in that dingy sweatshirt.

Gutsy Smurf: Illusionist/Stunt Artist/Crazy Person a la David Blaine
Gutsy Smurf David Blaine

David Blaine needs be dethroned as the crazy illusionist who puts on grand stunts all over the city of New York, why shouldn’t Gutsy be the one to do it? He’s a little more charming anyway. He’s got the…well…guts for the gig and he’s the only Smurf with orangy-brown hair, so that should be enough to give him that living-on-the edge look, right?

Clumsy Smurf: SNL Cast Member
SNL Cast Member Smurfs Clumsy Smurf

Something SNL always needs is a guy who can fall down in really hilarious ways. Sure, it’s a cheap gag, but it’s a comedy staple. Even Modern Family knows that. Lucky for Clumsy Smurf, he’s got that built in. Plus, he’s totally likable which is great for a funnyman. Besides, what’s more New York than pursuing a somewhat humiliating career in comedy?

Celebrity Editor Kelsea Stahler was born in a pile of dirt. Okay, she was actually born in an old Naval hospital in San Diego, which then became a pile of dirt and remained as such for a number of years before becoming a parking lot perfectly sized for circus tents, and finally a museum. She eventually left San Diego to attend New York University, where she studied Journalism and English literature — two less-than profitable liberal arts degrees about which guidance counselors warned her. Against all odds, she now resides in Brooklyn, where she fights the constant fear that the locals will soon discover she isn’t quite cool enough to live there, and makes a living writing absurd, pop culture features about Batman, zombies, vampires, funny people, and Ron Swanson.