Batman vs. Superman. The Hulk vs. Professor Xavier. Spider-Man vs. Iron Man. Any superhero superfan has wondered what would happen if their favorite comic protagonists faced off against one another. But debating those battles is almost too easy. Instead, what if each superhero in battle was to suffer a significant mental disadvantage? How would Superman fare against Thor if he were distracted by Daily Planet layoffs? How would Spider-Man fare against Batman after eating bad Chinese food? Today, to kick off Hollywood.com’s Superhero Week, we wonder what would happen if a drunk Daredevil met a guilt-ridden Aquaman. Let the super battle begin!
Battle: Daredevil vs. Aquaman
In the Right Corner: Daredevil, who just mistook an old Four Loko in his fridge for Red Bull.
In the Left Corner: Aquaman, who has come down with a bout of mercury poisoning thanks to an ethical boundary-pushing night with Jeremy Piven.
Inside Daredevil’s Day: The blind superhero had had a rough morning. After a late start at work thanks to taking the subway one stop too far — since people can’t seem to understand that passengers have to go out before they can come in — he spent the first few hours of his day pouring over amicus briefs and blocking out Foggy’s unyielding enthusiasm for life. Sigh. Then he spent his afternoon being Rick Rolled by The Kingpin and ignoring calls from the defeated Bullseye, whose only form of torture is trying to guilt Daredevil into coming to his place to watch Alexander. Realizing he could get no work done in the office, Daredevil returned home — shutting his nose to avoid his super-senses from smelling that cologne-and-stale beer stench of Hell’s Kitchen — and reached in his refrigerator for a Red Bull. Half a can in, Daredevil’s world began spinning. It was only then he realized he had accidentally drank an old Four Loko. Damn Foggy’s pre-illegalization 2009 stockpiling!
Inside Aquaman’s Day: Perhaps Vulko was right — Aquaman has gone too Hollywood for his own good. After he finally — finally! — clinched a movie deal, Aquaman went on a three-day bender, hobnobbing with Tinsel Town elite. The first night, he found himself swigging shots of Patrone with Wilmer Valderrama, which only led to Aquaman telepathically summoning a clownfish from the restaurant’s fish tank to block a punch after claiming Valderrama had nothing on Tim Riggins. The second night, Aquaman spent hours in the VIP area of Smoke & Mirrors, rolling his eyes as Lindsay Lohan attempted to weasel her way in because hot mess b***h thinks she can hang out with Aquaman? (He knows who killed her career. High five, Russell Brand!) But then, last night, everything went downhill. Starting the evening with chill, pre-dinner drinks with Adrien Grenier — the actor lucky enough to be playing Aquaman in the upcoming adaptation — the duo ran into Jeremy Piven, who peer pressured the superhero into a dinner at Nobu. After Piven called Aquaman “a typical Johnny Drama” for balking at eating a tuna roll, the superhero — hoping to appease his super-famous new best friends — downed an entire restaurant’s worth of sushi. Aquaman woke up the next morning with discolored fingers and a burning sense of regret. How would Atlantis feel about him now? How could they celebrate the super-work of a cannibal? Aquaman got out of bed and swam as far away from the Boulevard of Broken Dreams as possible, to the East Coast, where St. Luke’s-Roosevelt diagnosed him with mercury poisoning. He should have chosen to hang out with Turtle. It just makes so much more aquatic sense.
The Battle: Leaving the hospital filled with guilt and saline solution, Aquaman happens upon Daredevil, stumbling to a food cart while carrying a bag of McDonalds. “Do do do do do! Lovin’ It!” he slurs, pulling out a small blue box and handing it to Aquaman. Filet-O-Fish. Is he calling me a cannibal? How does he know?! No one must know! Aquaman glanced from the blue box to Daredevil, who pulled up his shirt to show fresh body art of Falcor on his torso. “Dude. Check it out. Dragon Tattoo. Sweet ink, right?” Though already weakened by his time on land, Aquaman summoned enough power to clench his fists. “All I see is a bullseye!” the aquatic superhero returned, throwing a superhuman punch that sends Daredevil flying into a stash of trash bags. Bullseye?! “Bro, Alexander is not gonna happen,” Daredevil yelled, the Four Loko’s caffeine building atop his super-strength, driving him to complete four flips before drop-kicking Aquaman right in the gills. Just kidding! That was a Four Loko hallucination — Daredevil really somersaulted into another trash bag and punched a tree. Sensing Daredevil was at his weakest, Aquaman telepathically summoned a nearby three-eyed fish swimming in the Hudson River. Too bad shame overrides any psychic transmission, leading the three-eyed fish to learn his secret and shun the superhero: “Nobu, Aquaman? For Piven?” the three-eyed fish says, swimming away while shaking his head. Panicking, Aquaman looks back at his opponent — who has started squatting in his general direction — and desperately picks up his fists. Just as he’s about to strike, he feels an uncontrollable urge to itch his entire body. Oh please let this be the mercury poisoning and not that night at Chateau Marmont, he thinks. By the time he’s done scratching his arms, it’s too late — Aquaman looks up long enough to see Daredevil delivering a blow to his face and falls to the ground. Daredevil immediately breaks down sobbing about Atreyu’s horse and begins following his super-sense to a vending machine full of Funyuns.
The Winner: Daredevil. Because since when does Aquaman win at anything?
Follow Kate on Twitter @HWKateWard