Batman vs. Superman. The Hulk vs. Professor Xavier. Spider-Man vs. Iron Man. Any superhero super fan has wondered what would happen if their favorite comic protagonists faced off against one another. But debating those battles is almost too easy. Instead, what if each superhero in battle was to suffer a significant mental disadvantage? How would Superman fare against Thor if he were distracted by Daily Planet layoffs? How would Spider-Man fare against Batman after eating bad Chinese food? Today, to continue Hollywood.com‘s Superhero Week, we wonder what would happen if Catwoman was being audited by the IRS and had to face off against X-Men‘s Rogue post-chemical peel.
Battle: Rogue vs. Catwoman
In the Right Corner: Rogue, after a foiled “me” day.
In the Left Corner: Catwoman, whose life of crime has been called into question by the IRS.
Inside Rogue’s Day: After catching a rerun of the “Treat Yo Self” episode of Parks and Rec, Rogue was inspired to schedule a day of relaxation and rejuvenation. However, that isn’t so easy when you live in a secluded mansion with a group of hot-headed mutants. First, Rogue is forced to eat her bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats dry because Wolverine accidentally sliced through the milk jug while making breakfast. Then Cyclops gets shampoo in his eyes while showering, and winds up destroying the entire bathroom while trying to wash it out. So much for that long, hot bath. Next, Rogue heads to the garage and discovers that no one bothered to tell her that Magneto ripped the engine from her car in his latest attack. She calls a cab, but is still 15 minutes late to her spa appointment.
Rogue wants to look fresh when Gambit returns from fighting Sabretooth in Genosha, so she asks for a chemical peel. Though Rogue explains numerous times that no one can touch her skin directly, her esthetician attempts to apply lotion to her face with her bare hand and passes out immediately. After determining that she’ll survive, the staff slaps some rubber kitchen gloves on their most recent hire and puts her to work on Rogue’s face.
Inside Catwoman’s Day: Catwoman had found that a life of crime actually pays surprisingly well — until the IRS starts asking questions. After being notified that she’s being audited, Selna Kyle starts scrambling to get her financial documents in order. The problem isn’t just that as the proverbial “crazy cat lady” her filing cabinet isn’t all that organized. You can’t exactly write “burglar” on your tax forms, and try coming up with an explanation for how you obtained that famous diamond the size of a golf ball. Though Catwoman’s still annoyed that she was forced to cancel an appointment with Batman last night to chase each other on rooftops and exchange clever insults (their version of a date), she’s finally managed to assemble the necessary documents with some help from a friend who’s done time in Gotham State Penitentiary for forgery. Selina is running to her accountant’s office with a stack of files and a shoebox full of reciepts under her arm, when she smacks into a puffy-faced woman with a streak of white hair who was looking at herself in a hand mirror rather than watching where she was going.
The Battle: As she watches her files fall into a sewer grate, Catwoman hisses, and knocks Rogue to the ground with a kick to her knee. Selina pounces on top of Rogue as she removes a glove and frantically tries to grab a part of her body that isn’t covered by a rubbery cat costume. Catwoman is prepared to claw the X-Woman to death when she gets a better look at Rogue’s face — and the crowd of construction workers that had gathered around them. “Looks like the cat’s already got your entire face,” she says. “Botched chemical peel?” Rogue bursts into tears and Selina extends her hand (with claws retracted).
The Winner: Catwoman and Rogue. After deciding that they’d rather get drunk than rip each other apart while dudes shout “Catfight!” the two women head to a local bar. They spend the rest of the night drinking martinis and making fun of Bruce Wayne’s ridiculous Batman voice.