Batman vs. Superman. The Hulk vs. Professor Xavier. Spider-Man vs. Iron Man. Any superhero super fan has wondered what would happen if their favorite comic protagonists faced off against one another. But debating those battles is almost too easy. Instead, what if each superhero in battle was to suffer a significant mental disadvantage? How would Superman fare against Thor if he were distracted by Daily Planet layoffs? How would Spider-Man fare against Batman after eating bad Chinese food? Today, to continue Hollywood.com‘s Superhero Week, we wonder what would happen if Thor (Chris Hemsworth) was distracted still thinking about that killer Cabin in the Woods ending and had to face off against Superman (Brandon Routh) whose brain is preoccupied with Daily Planet layoffs.
Battle: Superman vs. Thor
In the Right Corner: Superman, who is worried about the impending layoffs at his daytime employer The Daily Planet. (I mean, just look at him being all pensive and wearing glasses.)
In the Left Corner: Thor, distracted because he still thinking about how awesome the ending of The Cabin in the Woods is despite –– SPOILER ALERT! –– the fact that that super handsome character Curt didn’t survive to see it.
Inside Superman’s Day: Because leading a double life isn’t exhausting enough, Superman/Clark Kent still works at a newspaper. And not the online section of the newspaper. The newspaper newspaper. (Google it, kids.) Entering the office at The Daily Planet building in midtown Metropolis at 7 a.m., Clark is there long before everyone else. The interns will stroll in around 10 or 11 because they’re busy Pinteresting or something else that is terrible. But that’s just fine because that allows Clark to get all the hot news scoops! Today’s biggest story? “Mass Layoffs Expected at The Daily Planet Because It’s a Newspaper and It’s 2012.” So not only is his job at the newspaper his only actual income (turns out, fighting crime doesn’t really pay either), but talk about having a major blow to his superhero ego. Here’s a guy who can leap tall buildings in a single bound, is faster than a speeding bullet, and more powerful than a locomotive train, but can’t rescue his beloved paper and its seasoned employees like himself and Lois and Jimmy from sinking ad sales? How long can he feasibly make a living as a freelancer/superhero? Will print media be gone for good, forever halting the spinning newspaper of news? By the time the interns roll in at noon talking to each other over Red Bulls about whatever the hell One Direction is, Clark decides has to get out and clear his head and find a distraction for a few hours. He checks the paper thankyouverymuch for movie listings and heads to downtown Metropolis for a 1 PM showing of The Cabin in the Woods.
Inside Thor’s Day: Being a hammer-wielding ancient Asgardian warrior living in modern times had proved to be quite the challenge for Thor. Where does a guy who fancies himself as a God with the natural inclination to smash things and say things like “I require sustenance!” go in this day in age? Why, the Internet of course! Needing an outlet for his superhero rage when there’s no battles to be fought for the S.H.I.E.L.D., Thor heads to the web and contributes to his movie review blog ByTheHammerOfThor.com. The previous night Thor finally got around to seeing The Cabin in the Woods and woke up first thing today to write a post about the movie which earned his highest grade. (Four Thor Hammers!) Thor can’t believe that, in this day and age of Internet spoilers, no one ruined the inspired ending for him. He also can’t believe that no one told him how much that handsome, albeit doomed, jock Curt looked like a younger, more clean-cut version of himself. It’s uncanny. Thor hops online around 9 a.m. to share his thoughts on that wild finale with his readers: Those monsters as they emerge from the elevator! That Sigourney Weaver cameo! That hilarious twist that mankind completely ends by the hand of an ancient God! Thor’s readers had better have seen the movie by now, otherwise he’s totally ruining it for them.
The (Cerebral) Battle: After settling into his seat at a surprisingly crowded matinee (doesn’t anybody have a job these days?!), Clark accidentally glances over at someone reading something on their iPad. In fact, they’re reading a post on some site the interns are always talking about called ByTheHammerOfThor.com about Cabin in the Woods and about how… oh, well that’s just GREAT. All Clark wanted was a relaxing, stress-free afternoon and once again the Internet ruined that. But then, an idea! He could write an op-ed piece about how the Internet has forever ruined the movie-going experience. An op-ed so good it could single-handedly save The Daily Planet from going under. Clark went right back to the office and wrote a thoughtful and funny piece about how the Internet and one anonymous blogger who has the nerve to go by Thor told him what happened in The Cabin in the Woods before he even had the chance to see it for himself. The article was so good that his editor decided to, in the ultimate twist of irony, put it up online before the morning paper went out. Thor read the article as soon as it went up (Thor is always on his Google Alerts, after all) and wrote a snarky, lightning-fast reaction on his blog about how out-of-touch Clark Kent (who does he think he is, Superman?) and The Daily Planet is that immediately blew up the Twittersphere. The interns loved it.
The Winner: Thor, despite a noble effort by Superman. The pen may be mightier than the sword, but it’s definitely not mightier than a giant ass hammer.
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