Batman vs. Superman. The Hulk vs. Professor Xavier. Spider-Man vs. Iron Man. Any superhero super fan has wondered what would happen if their favorite comic protagonists faced off against one another. But debating those battles is almost too easy. Instead, what if each superhero in battle was to suffer a significant mental disadvantage? How would Superman fare against Thor if he were distracted by Daily Planet layoffs? How would Spider-Man fare against Batman after eating bad Chinese food? Today, to continue Hollywood.com’s Superhero Week, we wonder what would happen if The Hulk was rocked having just listened to Radiohead’s “Creep” and had to face off against Magneto, who’s needing extra tissues after viewing The Notebook.
Battle: The Hulk vs. Magneto
In the Right Corner: The Hulk, who just listened to “Creep” by Radiohead.
In the Left Corner: Magneto, who finished watching The Notebook.
Inside The Hulk’s Day: At this point in his genetically altered life, Bruce Banner is more than used to experiencing his fair share of terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days. But this morning was shaping up to be a pretty good one. Not only did he hit every green light on the way into work (when does that ever happen?), but he also started making some serious progress with his latest bionuclear research project (the likes of which we won’t bore you with right now). The point is, things were finally starting to look up for our Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde friend. He hadn’t felt the urge to shift into his Hulk form in weeks and was even thinking of giving Betty Ross a call to see if she’d be interested in meeting up for a drink (wink, wink). In fact, Bruce even decided to turn on the radio during his drive home from work — something he rarely does.
After jamming out to the likes of Katy Perry and Justin Bieber (yes, even The Hulk has his guilty pleasures), the song “Creep” by Radiohead started to play. As the song progressed, Bruce found himself growing more and more depressed with every beat. “I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here… ” He had no idea a song could ring so true to his own personal demons. Why did he ever think he could try to live a normal life when he’s an absolute freak of nature? No wonder Betty Ross wants nothing to do with him — what woman would? He’s the biggest, greenest creep of them all, and it’s entirely his own fault. (Well, him and the gamma rays.) The pain is all-consuming, and suddenly his body begins to shake… uh oh….
Inside Magneto’s Day: Magneto’s feeling a bit under-appreciated these days. In fact, if he has to look at one more promo for The Avengers this week he may just decide to use his magnetic powers to throw the infuriating television out his fifth floor window (which would be a shame considering what he paid for the 47″ scrap of metal). Seriously though, he could have totally been in that movie. But instead the comic book universe chose some pretty boy who could swing a hammer and a girl with a little gun? Lame! But whatever, he’s over it.
So to help take his mind off such ridiculous superhero politics, he started channel-flipping and came across a movie called The Notebook that was just about to start on TBS. And having been familiar with Ryan Gosling’s past work, he decided to tune in and see what it was about. Bad idea! To witness the journey of such an epic love story is something Magneto was just not prepared to deal with and ends up leaving him emotionally drained. Hey — we’ve all been there. The water gates open and they just won’t stop. Damn you, Ryan Gosling! And, of course, he’s completely out of tissues (can this day get any worse?), so he heads out to the store for a box of Kleenex and some much needed comfort food. That’s when he hears a car speeding out of control…
The Battle: With a bag of groceries in hand, Magneto looks up just in time to see a car crash right in front of his very own apartment complex… right where his brand-new (uninsured) Mercedes was parked. Before he can even register what just happened, the other car erupts into an explosion of green, which The Hulk emerges from. Having already suffered through an emotional rollercoaster today, Magneto is in no mood to get confrontational, especially with a mutant of that size. It’s then he thinks: What Would Ryan Gosling Do? So he decides it would be best to just walk away and cool off. But The Hulk is ready and waiting for a fight. Like that song says: He’s nothing more than a creep — and he’s ready to show his true colors (both figuratively and literally). He instantly stomps toward Magneto and gives him a powerful blow to the skull, launching him into a nearby building.
“That’s it!” Magneto bellows. There are some things not even The Notebook can save, and he sends three telephone poles hurtling toward this Not-So-Jolly Green Giant (and hey, is that “Creep” by Radiohead blasting in the background?). But for such a big guy, he can move pretty fast and The Hulk manages to jump out of the way just in time. It’s then that Magneto realizes the severity of the situation. He’s read the stories about The Hulk and his rage — the angrier he gets, the stronger he becomes. There’s only one logical thing he can do to save himself and this incredibly powerful hulk of a mutant: RUN!
The Winner: The Hulk because deep down Magneto’s primitive instinct is always to protect the mutant race. Plus, it’s THE HULK — who, unfortunately for Magneto, doesn’t have a metal bone in his body.