Superhero Battles Gone Mental: The Human Torch vs. Captain America!


The Marvelous EvansBatman vs. Superman. The Hulk vs. Professor Xavier. Spider-Man vs. Iron Man. Any superhero superfan has wondered what would happen if their favorite comic protagonists faced off against one another. But debating those battles is almost too easy. Instead, what if each superhero in battle was to suffer a significant mental disadvantage? How would Superman fare against Thor if he were distracted by Daily Planet layoffs? How would Spider-Man fare against Batman after eating bad Chinese food? Today, to continue‘s Superhero Week, we wonder what would happen if the Human Torch faced off against Captain America — both confused and conflicted over the idea of taking on a fellow Chris Evans superhero. Let the super battle begin!

Battle: The Human Torch vs. Captain America

In the Right Corner: The Human Torch, who is going through a pretty big inferiority complex over fighting the “better” Chris Evans hero.

In the Left Corner: Captain America, who is undergoing some emotional duress about taking on a fellow Evans. There’s a code!

Inside the Human Torch’s Day: He still couldn’t believe it. All Johnny Storm’s life, he had wanted a movie made in his image. He was the perfect specimen! Cool power, funny attitude, attractive twin sister. And then, when 2005 rolled around, Johnny finally got his wish… unfortunately, he forgot to wish for a good movie in his image. After that, the Fantastic Four was the laughingstock of the superhero world. Even Zan and Jayna were taking potshots at the Storm twins. Johnny began to wonder, “Is this my fault?” Was his power not that cool? His attitude boorish? His sister of underwhelming aesthetic appeal? No! It must have been someone else’s fault. But who could have ruined him like this? Who was responsible for the degradation of his image? Who had put a damper on the Human Torch?… Chris Evans.

It must have been him!  After a career of parodying She’s All That and stealing SAT answers, Evans was given the responsibility of handling a hero like the Torch. And alongside stars like Jessica Alba and the guy who played Lancelot, Storm felt as though his heroism was a bit outshined in the hands of this… Opposite Sex alum. For years now, the Human Torch has held Evans responsible for the degradation of his image. But then came 2011, which brought Captain America: The First Avenger — the actor’s second shot at a Marvel hero, and one that was far better received than his first. Storm was unsettled. Maybe it wasn’t Evans’ fault all along. Maybe he just wasn’t that great a hero. Could Steve Rogers be a more compelling hero than he? And now that he was set to face off with Evans’ latest blockbuster, was he fated to lose out to him on the battlefield as he did on Rotten Tomatoes? Where’s Chiklis when you need him?

Inside Captain America’s Day: Two Teen Choice Award nominations and a chance to totally outshine that dreadful Hal Jordan at the box office? This past year has been a good one for Captain America. And now that The Avengers is right around the corner, the previously comatose Brooklynite is brimming with pride about his image. But as any Ancient Greek fable or episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air will teach you, too much pride is never a good thing. Cap awoke with a song in his heart — probably something like “The Battle Hymn Republic” or the Dukes of Hazzard theme. Surely, he’d be more than capable of taking down that hack Johnny Storm. He doesn’t even have his friends with him! The pseudo-Hulk, and the stretchy one. This battle would be easy as Apple pie… which, by the way, he had just the other night beaten out for the bronze medal in a “Most American Things” contest (he placed behind the Constitution and Clint Eastwood’s Super Bowl commercial).

But as he glared at himself in his red-white-and-blue bathroom mirror (the paint job kind of defeated the purpose of reflective glass, but you gotta keep the theme), Captain America saw something other than himself. He saw Chris Evans. As such, he saw the Human Torch. Johnny Storm and him were practically one and the same! Both New Yorkers — well, if you count Long Island — both superheroes, and most importantly, both Evanses. How could Captain America call himself a defender of his countrymen if he was willing to take down someone he should practically deem his brother? This fight wasn’t going to be as simple as he thought…

The Battle: It was time. The Human Torch and Captain America met on neutral grounds — Citi Field — to face off: Human Torch overcome with anxiety and self-esteem issues, and Captain America crippled by guilt. The pair didn’t expect to draw such a crowd. Everyone had come to watch. Each of the Avengers, all of the Fantastic Four. Loki and Victor von Doom. That one guy who had passed himself off as a U.S. Army General and mailman Willie Lumpkin. But there, off in the nosebleed section, Cap spotted him. Evans. Watching eagerly, wearing neutral colors (taupe) and taking no sides. The Human Torch was too busy starting up the whole “Flame on” routine to take notice, but Cap knew that his opponent would be shattered to pieces if he were, in fact, shattered to pieces in front of Evans himself.

And just Cap had decided that he would throw the fight, Storm had mustered enough of a flame to singe the Old Glory wrapped around the American hero’s waist. Cap doubled over on the ground, faking a colossal injury to make the Human Torch look like a big hero, and maybe give him back some of his pride. But again, too much pride is never a good thing.

Overjoyed by his apparent success, the Human Torch began his old brand of smack-talk. “Not so big a hit are you now, eh Cap?” he shouted. “You may have 50 stars, but I have an endless supply of fire!” Captain America ignored the fact that his opponent’s insult made next to no sense, and continued to writhe in faux-pain. Storm continued: “Looks like all those years resting up haven’t helped you much. You’re just too old and out of touch!” The Human Torch laughed as Cap struggled on the ground, subduing his ego as his pitiable adversary hotdogged around the stadium. “And one more thing,” shouted Storm. “George Patton was a wuss!” That did it.

The Winner: Captain America. Even with guilt weighing you back, there’s only so much blasphemy you can put up with.


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