Instead, what if each superhero in battle was to suffer a significant mental disadvantage? How would Superman fare against Thor if he were distracted by Daily Planet layoffs?
How would Spider-Man fare against Batman after eating bad Chinese food? Today, to continue Hollywood.com’s Superhero Week, we wonder what would happen if a PMS-ing Wonder Woman met a pissed-off Green Hornet.
The Battle: Wonder Woman vs. Green Hornet
In the Right Corner: Wonder Woman, who has PMS and is sans Midol.
In the Left Corner: Green Hornet, who just got stuck for three hours on the US-101 at I-405 Interchange after his Imperial Crown Sedan breaks down.
Inside Wonder Woman’s Day: It’s that time of the month. Wonder Woman woke up on the wrong side of her bed, and to be honest, she just didn’t feel like getting up and twirling around into a revealing costume that will show off just how bloat-y she feels.
But instead of staying home and watching Breakfast at Tiffany’s and old episodes of I Dream of Jeannie on replay all day with a bar of chocolate, duty called. So, she had to get up and get dressed, but, of course, she had to opt for her bigger butt shorts and longer belt. (Ughh.) And when her mother Queen Hyppolyta molded her out of clay and brought her to life, she must have forgotten to include a skin bacteria immunizer in the magic because no makeup could cover up the big pimple on Wonder Woman’s chin. Besides that, there were no Midol pills left in the bottle in her cabinet.
Still, Wonder Woman got her act together, grabbed her golden lasso and went to work, because what would Major Steve Trevor do without her? Yesterday, he was in a car accident and she had to pull him out of burning building just before it collapsed. Today wasn’t much better.
The Nazi league went after Trevor yet again. They must have messed with his breaks because they locked and his car went spinning, knocking him unconscious. Wonder Woman showed up just before the car went over the cliff and used her lasso to pull the 3-ton Hummer back onto the road. She then picked up Trevor and flew back to her apartment.
But her bad luck didn’t end there. After laying Trevor down to sleep and finally getting to doze off herself, her mother showed up on a whim. With no time to hide Trevor, Hyppolyta caught Wonder Woman red-handed. Hyppolyta then gave Wonder Woman an ultimatum: Give up Trevor and return to Paradise or Hyppolyta would turn Trevor over to the Nazis. So, Wonder Woman made her decision — tonight would be her last night with her love. Worst part is, he doesn’t even know she loves him. So Wonder Woman decides to go for a drive to cool off.
Inside Green Hornet’s Day: After attending his father’s funeral last week, Britt Reid went on a week-long bender with Kato. He woke up this morning with a pounding headache in nothing but his Green Hornet mask to find out that he had been robbed by the hooker he took home the night before.
In a mad rage, Britt threw on the rest of his costume, because where the heck were his other clothes?! He then got in his Black Beauty (Dude, there’s his car!) and sped over to Kato’s house to find out if he could recollect anything from the night before. When he arrived, Kato was already waiting with an email that he had printed out for Britt to read. According to the email sent by Lenore Case, it turns out the hooker wasn’t a prostitute at all, but a Russian mobster working for Benjamin Chudnofsky trying to gather intel on Britt.
He got screwed, literally — and the fact that Lenore discovered the truth didn’t help either. Britt’s still pissed that Lenore hooked up with Kato last month, and after reading the email, stormed out of Kato’s pad. He was in such a rage he started chugging the bottle as he sped down the freeway. And just his luck, of course he forgot to fill his tank. The Black Beauty breaks down and Britt has to start walking in his Green Hornet costume. Talk about a walk of shame.
The Battle: Wonder Woman is driving along when she sees Green Hornet walking down the street. He tries to bum a ride with his thumb, but she keeps on driving. Hornet doesn’t like this one bit and proceeds to smash his bottle at her car. Ohhhh! Wrong move buddy.
Wonder Woman swerves to the side, stops the car and starts running after him. Hornet takes off and makes it to the safety of Black Beauty just in the nick of time. He jumps in and starts up his headlight guns. He shoots round after round at Wonder Woman, who skillfully avoids every bullet mid-air. The car runs out of ammo and Wonder Woman dives down and picks up Black Beauty. She flies 100 feet into the air and throws the car back down.
Britt is again unconscious and Wonder Woman finally realizes what she has done. She flees the scene. When Britt wakes up, he’s in the back of the cop car. Defeated. Of course she’ll tell the cops he totaled his car because he was drunk. But does she have to testify?
The Winner: Green Hornet. Damn perjury.
Follow Lindsey DiMattina on Twitter @LDiMat.