It’s almost summertime, which can only mean one thing: time for all of our favorite superheroes to return to the big screen. Over the next five months, Avengers, web-slingers, space bandits, and two different sets of mutants will arrive in theaters to entertain you with exciting new movies. But with so many coming out in such a short period of time, it can be hard to decide which ones to commit to. Do you go for the classic comic book appeal of Spider-Man, or take a chance on the weird goofiness of Guardians of the Galaxy? Do you see a new twist on a familiar face with Captain America or watch the Ninja Turtles make the jump from Saturday morning staple to blockbuster stars? Or do you just give in to the hero-packed, time-travelling insanity of the new X-Men?
It’s a difficult decision, one that carries almost as much weight as the knowledge of which Ninja Turtle best fits your personality. After all, you don’t want to be stuck with an adaptation you don’t like, or a hero whose code of honor doesn’t appeal to you. Luckily, we’ve created a handy guide to help you determine which 2014 superhero film is perfect for you, based on several key personality traits. You’ll never have to worry about wasting popcorn or ticket money on the wrong superhero film again.
Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Set a year after the events of The Avengers, Steve Rogers is living in Washington DC and learning to adjust to the modern world. However, when a colleague’s life is put in danger, he’s forced to shake off assassins, villains, and the mysterious Soviet agent known as The Winter Soldier in order to uncover a vast conspiracy. Opens April 4.
What You Were Like as a Kid: You were a complete goody two-shoes, and were constantly worried about doing the right thing. You were never shy about calling out cheaters or line-cutters, even if it meant you would be branded a tattle-tale. Much to your friends’ annoyance, you always made an effort to include everyone in your games, and you always let people’s younger siblings stay at bat until they hit the ball. In high school, you were captain of the baseball team, and your probably ruined the grading curve for everyone.
What You Wanted to Be When You Grew Up: President of the United States. Or a firefighter, since you dressed as one for four Halloweens in a row.
Fictional Character You Idolize: Coach Eric Taylor from Friday Night Lights. He’s a leader, he’s a family man, he stands up for what’s right, and he fights for the underdog. “Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose” is basically your mantra.
Favorite Non-Superhero Film: Miracle. A story of determination, teamwork, good leadership, and overcoming insurmountable odds, with a little bit of patriotism thrown in for good measure.
The Amazing Spider-Man 2
Peter Parker is attempting to balance his personal life and his secret alter ego, but everything is thrown into disarray with the return of an old friend, Henry Osborn, and the emergence of new villains that might be stronger than he imagined. However, he soon discovers that all of his enemies have something to do with Oscorp, which may lead to a shocking discovery about his parents’ death. Opens May 2.
What You Were Like as a Kid: Rather than hanging out with a large group of friends, you pretty much stuck with one partner-in-crime. You managed to hide your mischievous side pretty well, which came in handy whenever you got into trouble (which was more often than you’d like to admit.) You were curious about everything, and you were constantly conducting “science experiments” and sneaking into places you shouldn’t be for the sake of adventure. There weren’t many things that scared you or freaked you out, and so you took a lot of risks and climbed a lot of trees. You were probably one of those kids who brought home random animals once a week as pets.
What You Wanted to Be When You Grew Up: A scientist, a pilot, or a veterinarian. Or, ideally, some terrifying combination of all three.
Fictional Character You Idolize: Abed Nadir from Community. Nobody really understands him, but he’s smart, confident, and is never afraid of whatever strange, exciting adventure comes his way.
Favorite Non-Superhero Film: The first three Indiana Jones films. An archaeologist who gets to travel to exotic locations, fight bad guys and be unbelievably cool? Sold.
X-Men: Days of Future Past
When the entire mutant species is threatened with extinction, Wolverine must go into the past in order to help mend the broken relationship between Professor X and Magneto, and convince them to join with their future selves in order to stop a war before it even begins. Opens May 23.
What You Were Like as a Kid: You were definitely the weird kid growing up, and you only surrounded yourself with other weirdos. You were never afraid to stand up for yourself against bullies who picked on your or your friends. You stayed up late on the weekends to watch scary movies, and you probably tried to make some horror/superhero movie hybrids in your backyard. You were the kind of kid who would collect bugs and worms to scare the other kids in your class with, and you always wanted to have a pet snake or tarantula.
What You Wanted to Be When You Grew Up: Something creative, like a writer, director, or musician.
Fictional Character You Idolize: Daria. You’re the kind of person who admires wit above all else, looked down on everyone you went to school with and you can’t remember the last time you said something that wasn’t sarcastic.
Favorite Non-Superhero Film: Edward Scissorhands. The weird, creepy outcast defeats the bullies, wins over Winona Ryder, finds a family who love and accept him and lives in a castle.
Guardians of the Galaxy
Pilot Peter Quill accidentally finds himself being hunted by intergalactic forces after he steals a valuable relic that belongs to the evil Ronan the Accuser. In order to take him down, he teams up with a group of misfits — murderous Rocket Racoon, the strong, almost silent Groot, Drax the Destroyer, and former assassin Gamora — to make one final stand against the villain and protect the universe. Opens August 1.
What You Were Like as a Kid: You were the class clown, always willing to make a fool of yourself in order to get a laugh. You were often sent to the principal’s office for disrupting class, but everyone wanted you to play with them at recess. You pulled pranks on almost everybody, even though they weren’t very successful, and you considered yourself to be something of an evil genius. You had a pet who was endlessly loyal to you, but hated every other person on the planet. You probably got things stuck up your nose a lot.
What You Wanted to Be When You Grew Up: An astronaut, even though you wouldn’t really get to fight aliens.
Fictional Character You Idolize: Han Solo, the coolest, smoothest, most sarcastic smuggler in galaxies both near and far. And he marries a princess, so he’s basically living the dream.
Favorite Non-Superhero Movie: 21 Jump Street, because it combines your favorite things: comedy, action and two enthusiastic, if unprofessional, cops becoming major heroes.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
After Shredder and his evil henchmen take control of the city and wreak havoc, four brothers rise from the sewers in order ot become the world’s most unlikely superheroes. Alongside fearless reporter April O’Neill and her team, they must stop Shredder and restore order to the city. Opens August 8.
What You Were Like as a Kid: You were often described as being “spirited” or “a handful.” You were usually pretty hyper, and you spent a lot of time running around with a gang of friends, pulling pranks and having adventures. You’ve never been able to turn down a dare, and you were always willing to risk getting hurt or getting into trouble if it meant doing something crazy and fun. You lied and told everyone that you had a black belt in karate, and you probably spent far too much time in the Emergency Room.
What You Wanted to be When You Grew Up: A Ninja Turtle, and you’re still a little heartbroken that dream hasn’t yet come true.
Fictional Character You Idolize: Spinelli from Recess, who was tough, funny, stood up for the little guy, and was never afraid to be herself. Truly, a hero of Saturday morning cartoons.
Favorite Non-Superhero Movie: Hot Fuzz. It’s funny, it’s action-packed, it’s violent, it’s a little weird and it pays homage to the classic action movies that have come before it, which means it’s technically educational as well.