College Humor recently posted a list of eight fictional girls from movies and TV who we’re really supposed to like but, at heart, actually suck. Girls like Mary Elizabeth Winstead’s Ramona Flowers in Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World or Andie MacDowell’s Rita in Groundhog Day. Or Jennifer Love Hewitt in Can’t Hardly Wait or Tiffani Thiessen in Saved by the Bell. And don’t even get them started on the creepy awfulness of Robin Wright’s sexually predatory Jenny in Forrest Gump.
We here at Hollywood.com have decided to respond in kind, but with a little gender equality. What about Movie & TV guys who really suck? They are a-plenty. Take note of the following eight guys who we’re supposed to think are charming or likable but are really just schmucks. Starting with…
1. Ryan Gosling in Crazy, Stupid, Love.
Okay, the only reason anyone likes this character is because his abs “look like they’re photoshopped” and because we’re all just encouraged to think that Ryan Gosling can do no wrong. As any character. But his Jacob Palmer in the 2011 rom-com is a sociopath. He’s taken his broken heart over a bad relationship and has decided to star in his own revenge film in which he derives emotional satisfaction from breaking the hearts of all of womankind. He is to women what Dirty Harry is to punks, and we’re not buying it. Of course, he’s also a phony because he can’t even commit to his sociopathy. All he needs is the love of Emma Stone to heal his psychic wounds. See also: a similar sociopathy on display as the nameless driver in Drive, with some additional paternalistic overtones.
2. Matthew Morrison’s Mr. Schuester on Glee
Try hanging out with some people your own age for once, perv.
3. Tobey Maguire as Spider-Man
I know, I know, Sam Raimi really wanted to play up Spider-Man’s essential “everyman appeal,” but Tobey Maguire comes across more like a lovesick puppydog than a daring webslinger. However, all that aw-shucks pining for Mary Jane masks his true contempt for her when he punches her in the face after sporting Emo bangs.
4. Shia LaBeouf in Transformers 1, 2, & 3
I choose to believe that the whole cars-turning-into-robots thing is just an elaborate fantasy in his mind — which explains why he’s always dating porn-chic women in cut-off jeans and bosom-flaunting tank tops — and that he’s rocking himself back and forth in a straight-jacket somewhere.
5. Alex Pettyfer in Magic Mike
Sure, wannabe stripper Adam’s shirtless presence may result in female strip club patrons having wallets as empty as his head. But isn’t charisma more than skin deep? Even if so much of the movie is about Adam’s rise and fall, there’s a reason Channing Tatum’s Magic Mike is the title character.
6. Ryan Reynolds in The Proposal
Really, dude? You not only leave behind a home of palatial splendor in Alaska — and a Granny in Betty White — to earn pennies as the assistant of an icy editrix who barely knows your name, you want to marry her to secure her U.S. residency? Out of some vague notion that it might lead to you getting a promotion? Right. And I bet you can see Russia from your house too, huh?
7. Michael Cera in Juno
Admittedly, this is a tricky one because the backlash against Cera post-Juno has been so extreme that we almost forget there actually was a time we did like him. But fans of the Diablo Cody flick still love Cera’s Paulie Bleeker…even though he’s a pathetic tool who insists upon wearing head- and wristbands like he’s a refugee from a 1985 episode of Miami Vice. He should not be fathering anything. Ever.
8. Orlando Bloom in The Pirates of the Caribbean, Elizabethtown, s**t, Everything.
He is the male Andie MacDowell.
Follow Christian Blauvelt on Twitter @Ctblauvelt