The Exorcism Checklist

ExorcistHave you ever had a friend that just seemed a little bit off? You know, the usual things — head spinning around, projectile green vomit, body rising up from the bed and twirling around in the air? Well, if you hadn’t figured it out yet there’s a good chance that he/she is possessed by the devil.

Don’t panic, though! In celebration of this week’s release of The Rite — the new film starring Anthony Hopkins as a priest in the Vatican learning how to carry out exorcisms — we’ve created our own exorcism kit to help you pull the devil out of those pesky friends who keep getting possessed.

(Note: all of these items can be found at your local church or Wal-Mart.)

Black Robe

First, like all good things in religion, you need a black robe. And this black robe has to have a hood, too, so you can be sure to throw it up over your head to look intimidating. Because, well, this is the freaking Devil we’re talking about — not some 4th grader who threw a snowball at your car. You’re going to need all the help you can get to put the fear of God in him. Other ways to intimidate: Paint your nails black, avoid sleep so you’ll develop bags under your eyes and try to talk like Christian Bale’s Batman.


Now, grab your crucifix. I guess a long time ago, some dude defeated all the sin in the world using one of these things, and rightfully, the Devil is still afraid of it. Don’t ask me about the details, I just know that you really, really need to hang this in the room in which you plan to perform the exorcism. Just make sure you don’t hang it upside down.

Holy Water

Stop by your local church and get some holy water, because you’re going to need it to defend yourself. If things get out of hand during the exorcism, just throw the holy water on the possessed. It’ll burn like a mofo and he’ll/she’ll probably get more pissed off, but it lets that person know who’s in charge. Also, you’ll need to carry it in a device that allows you to spray it easily, so that old Super Soaker from junior high will come in handy.

Bottle of Water

Stay hydrated.

ExorcistHail Mary/Our Father Cue Card

In the heat of the moment, exorcisms get kind of crazy. There will probably be lightning. It will probably be raining. And quite frankly, it will be easy to get flustered with all that commotion. But don’t worry, there’s a simple solution. With at least size-72 font, type up your Hail Marys and Our Fathers on some giant cue cards and place them in a highly-visible location. Be sure not to use some stupid font like Comic Sans — this is an exorcism, after all. It’s serious business. And nothing speaks serious business like Times New Roman.

A Really, Really Heavy Bible

We all have a really old, really heavy bible that our grandparents got us when we were seven years old. After gathering dust on your bookshelf for years, there’s finally a use for it: violence. If things start getting out of hand during the exorcism, just hit the sucker. Hard. Seriously, smack him so hard in the face his head spins. Still going crazy? Smack him again. And again. And again. Beat his face until it’s bloodied and bruised. Act like Ali — if Ali had a really, really fucking heavy bible to destroy his opponents’ faces with.

Shoe Cleaner

Following the exorcism your shoes are going to be pretty nasty. There’s a good chance you were puked on at least five or six times.