Copyright Warner Bros/courtesy Everett Collection / Everett Collection
The first thing we noticed in the trailer for The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug was the impressive scale of Smaug the dragon and his cavern lair filled with golden treasure. But with all that gold piled haphazardly everywhere, did you ever start to think that Smaug might have a problem? In fact, his obsessive need to possess anything and everything shiny reminds us of another pop culture phenomenon… Hoarders.
If Smaug was to get the help he so clearly needs on an episode of Hoarders, here’s what it might look like:
Voiceover: Attend the tragic tale of Smaug and his formerly magestic palace, now crowded and filled with things he can hardly even use.
[A dramatic zoom on all of the towering piles of various previous gems and coins.]
Bilbo: I’m a certified Hobbit, and experienced burglar. I have been chosen by the mountainside village of Lake-town to help Smaug. He used to be the King Under the Mountain. But now, he has an unhealthy obsession with treasure. I’ve brought my team of Dwarves, who used to belong to this mountain, to help me clean out this cave and make some room for Smaug.
[Cut to Smaug, slithering his way through piles of treasure that collapse and fall behind him.]
Smaug: We didn’t have a lot of treasure growing up… probably because we were dragons, and didn’t need it. Now, I like to keep as much as I can, just to aid in my reputation as Smaug, King Under the Mountain!
Bilbo: As you can see, Smaug the Wealthy, you hardly have space to stretch your resplendant wings in here. The cavern used to be so spacious. Now, it’s cramped and there’s gold piled all the way up to the ceiling.
Smaug: Every piece of finery here has its place among my hoarde. Doubt me and I shall release a rain of fiery death upon you, greedy dwarf.
Thorin: He’s a hobbit!
Bilbo: Have patience, Thorin. Smaug has a serious problem, and are we not to relieve him of these treasures he is likely to be crushed.
Thorin: That would surely be devastating — the death of this oppressor should come by our hands!
[They walk through. Bilbo and the dwarves are sneaking inside the cavern as Smaug admires his treasure, rolling around in it.]
Bilbo: Smaug, Fiery Mountain King, I’m here to help clean out some of your treasure and organize things.
[Bilbo takes one cup.]
Bilbo: I’m going to take this one cup, O Magnificent One.
Smaug: No, no, not that cup. Take another. Take any other!
Thorin: You can’t even hold it, it’s too small for your hands!
[Smaug reaches for the cup, revealing a hole in his armor.]
Bilbo: Listen, Great and Powerful Dragon, you have a serious problem. You’ve been so consumed by collecting these treasures you’ve neglected your armored hide!
Thorin: Hmm… looks vulnerable to an attack…
Kili: Thorin, you vulture. We’re supposed to be helping Smaug. You just want his treasure!
Thorin: Of course I do! We all do, he stole our home.
[Smaug unleashes a blast of fire.]
Smaug: Enough! Leave my cavern never to return.
Bilbo: I suppose you aren’t prepared to move on, Great Slayer of Kings!
[Bilbo and the dwarves scuttle out.]
Bilbo: We weren’t able to clean out as much as we should have, but I managed to take the cup, so at least I have a small token of memory. It looks great with this ring I found back in the last episode.
After crushing his own wings under the weight of his gold, Smaug decided to seek therapy at the Dr. Radagast Holistic Psychiatric Clinic. Five months later, he fell back into his old habits and was last seen ordering a large shipment of Arkenstones.