There’s a saying, “Like pizza, there’s no such thing as bad sex.” Well that’s bullshit. We’ve all had bad sex and bad pizza. Hell, like bad pizza, bad sex can give you stomach cramps and lifelong diseases. It’s inevitable that you’re going to have bad sex. It’s just a part of life. With Valentine’s Day just behind us, some of you (actually more than likely most of you) were the giver or receiver of some bad sexin’. And since filmmakers want to capture all aspects of life, they’ve captured some bad fornicating on film.
Now a comprehensive list of the worst sex scenes would be a huge undertaking, as there’s a lot out there. Below is a selective list of the worst of the worst. These are so bad you’ll swear off sex harder than that one time at Jesus Camp. And even though they are bad, they are still sex scenes so that kind of discretion you use at work might still be needed.
WARNING: Just so we’re clear: THIS SHIT AIN’T SAFE TO WATCH AT WORK.
Now it would be really easy to make a list of ugly people who were filmed having sex and call it a day. But that would be the easy way. And if there’s one thing that makes a worst-of list better, it’s to make it harder for yourself to compile (TWSS). Now, I do not find Stevie on Eastbound and Down attractive at all. That’s beside the point. What is absolutely wrong about this scene is what drives Stevie to this act. He’s tracking Kenny Powers across the country and eventually into Mexico. He runs across this prostitute that Kenny had purchased earlier and since he does everything Kenny does, he purchases a night too and proceeds to act out his incredibly disgusting lust for Kenny on this poor woman. It’s enough seeing Stevie’s pasty white ass, but knowing he’s porking her while thinking of Kenny Powers? Yeah, that’s just wrong. (We couldn’t find the specific clip of Stevie and the ho. But know that seeing Stevie in a thong is nowhere near as bad as watching him bump uglies.)
Phillip Seymour Hoffman is a remarkable actor bursting with talent. That doesn’t make it any easier to have a sex scene with him, which is exactly what Marisa Tomei did in Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead. Tomei likes to get naked in her films (we approve of this), but her little romp with PSH went just a little too far and got too graphic. How bad? She didn’t even want her parents to see it. You know a sex scene can’t be good if you ask your parents to avoid watching you work with an Academy Award winner. I mean, if someone filmed me having sex with Penelope Cruz (and trust me, that would be a bad sex scene if there ever was one), I would broadcast this to my parents, preacher, neighbor, basically anyone with eyeballs. I would put it on a continuous loop in Times Square. No one on Earth would not see it. So yeah, this is not a good scene.
Again, a lot of talent happening here but yeesh is this bad. Sure, Halle Berry won her Oscar for this performance that mastered the emotional depths of a woman who lost her son and husband (or it could be payback for having sex with Billy Bob Thorton). Now, Thorton is an enigma. He manages to be the roughest looking dude in the world but lands these incredible women. Need we remember that he was the one banging Angelina Jolie before Brad Pitt? Not to mention that this scene is basically two people who have lost everything and drowned the rest in alcohol reaching out to the nearest possible creature for comfort. Not exactly romance and roses, no?
Ah, horror movies. They’re some of the best breeding grounds for terrible sex scenes and this one is my all time favorite. Shannon Elizabeth gets screwed by an animated snow man in a bath tub. No, really. That’s what happens. She gets frozen into the snowman whose only means of porking her is to bang her against the wall. Seriously. Bad acting, bad special effects, and horrible dialogue are the least of the problems. They didn’t even have the decency of giving us a glimpse of Shannon Elizabeth fully nude. I mean, even American Pie got that part right.