Just because a guy takes the cloth doesn’t mean he can’t kick some ass. And rightfully so. If you got into a fight with a Man of God, who do you think the Big Man Upstairs is rooting for and slightly altering the odds in favor of? Even without His help, all those robes can conceal a whole lotta firearms.
So in honor of Priest, which finds another clergyman taking up arms instead of alms, we’ve rounded up the best Evangelical shooters this side of heaven for our Army of Holy Men.
“Oh, fuck off, grasshopper.”
Who says Father’s are always on the good side? Hot Fuzz’s father goes up against its two protagonists but we’d still want him on our team, if for nothing more than the pistols-up-his-sleeve gizmos.
“A shepherd must tend his flock. And at times… fight off the wolves.”
There’s a time for sermons and then there’s a time for grabbing a gun and fighting for your rights. There’s also a time to sit back and enjoy a beer, but that’s another list. This Reverend knows the difference and is willing to load up a musket when the time is right.
“I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him” Revelations, Ch. 6 Verse 8
It’s Clint Eastwood. As an unnamed ass-kicking Preacher. Enough said.
“God has mercy. I don’t”
Much like the pen being mightier than the sword, a good preacher would rather use the power of words over a gun. But still, having a stock pile of weapons in the vestibule doesn’t hurt. And you know this Father would have some sweet sticky icky.
“Steal from the rich, give to the poor and kick some ass.”
Our only legendary monk, throughout the years the Friar has consistently been a man in a monastery but when it comes time to help out ole Robin Hood he can lay waste to some baddies.
“The blood stays on the blade.”
A good fighter has to be ready for death. Preachers often have their affairs lined up with the big guy in the sky, which makes them that much deadlier in a fight. Most of the people on our list didn’t pay the ultimate price, but Priest Vallon did.
Zoë: Preacher, don’t the Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killing?
Book: Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps.
Preachers are men of mystery, none more mysterious than the white-haired Shepard Book. No one knows who he really is or where he came from but the man is equally comfortable reciting verses and wielding a massive machine gun.
“When I was a young boy I killed a man to save my brothers life. I am not sorry for this, I am proud of this.”
He beats a man with his Bible Stick. And he knows a thing or two about smuggling heroin, which could totally come in handy. Yeah, I got him on my side.
“It’s the 51st century. The church moved on.”
Having great warriors is one thing, but a dozen men (no matter how great they are) will be no match for an army of thousands. Luckily, in Doctor Who, the church has grown beyond religion and formed an entire army. Amen.
“Don’t say the text!”
What, you were expecting the Spanish Inquisition?