‘Toy Story 3’ and Threequels That Actually Work

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade — Outstanding

One of the greatest characters in America cinema, Indiana Jones, shines brighter than ever in this, his last film. What? Oh no, I am fully repressing the fourth installment. The addition of Indy’s father, though used tritely in other film sequels, and the inclusion of a well-told origin story supplied a new depth to the Jones mythology. And the riding-off-into-the-sunset ending was tear-inducing in its beautiful perfection.

Lord of the Rings: Return of the King — Exceptional

The remarkable thing about Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings trilogy is that there isn’t a bad one in the bunch. That sounds trivial, but it’s a real triumph for trilogies. With Return of the King, however, Jackson steps his own game up and delivers a climax that is truly breathtaking. The battle scenes were awe-inspiring and the characters obtained new depth and contrast. It’s no surprise that this was the entry that finally won the Oscar for Best Picture.

Return of the Jedi — Great

I don’t need to explain the greatness of the original Star Wars trilogy. But as much reverence as week film geeks have for the holy triumvirate, debate rages over which entry is best. Return of the Jedi offers a further, darker exploration of the relationship between Luke and his father as well as introducing Luke as a full-fledged Jedi badass. The only thing that keeps this from topping the list is the inclusion of an entire planet of furry little teddy bears that inexplicably bring about the destruction of the Empire.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3 — Average

Hindsight offers a major advantage for the third entry into the Nightmare on Elm Street series. It’s not that Dream Warriors is a great film, but when stacked against the unbelievable drek that followed, Elm Street 3 proved a tolerable, somewhat competent return to a modicum of what made the original so great.

Godfather III — Below Average

There is little debate that Francis Ford Coppola’s The Godfather is one of the greatest films ever made — and that he was able to create in Godfather II one of the few sequels that ever surpassed its predecessor. Then came the ’90s. What makes Godfather III so incendiary, apart from Sofia’s horrendous acting and the hackneyed story devices, was how it completely failed to hold a candle to even the least interesting scene in either of the two entries that preceded it. All the grandeur and familial undertones were replaced by a sinfully generic gangster film.

Spider-Man 3 — Poor

Many fans of the comic can’t say these words without spitting on the ground. It’s not enough that the villains are all completely mismanaged, but the stilted dialogue and bloated runtime all serve to sink what had such potential to be a great comic book movie franchise. Oh, and the icing on this stinky cake has to be the hilariously mis-directed transformation of Peter into a “darker” personality. Because as we all know, bad dancing is tantamount to evil.

Jaws 3 — Very Poor

If the original Jaws made people afraid to go swimming; Jaws 3 made people afraid that they would keep making Jaws films. The story is preposterous, the acting is flat as a shark fin, and the addition of 3-D calls into question the word “special” in special effects. It’s hard to watch this film and not think of the irony of just how many times within this one film we see the franchise jump the shark.

Superman III — Horrible

The first two Superman films by Richard Donner are fantastic. So when it came time to make a third, clearly the next logical villain for the Man of Steel to face after Lex Luthor and General Zod is…Richard Pryor? Oh, I’m sorry — Richard Pryor and a super computer. Superman III is boring, absurd, lackluster garbage that is only surpassed by the abysmal fourth chapter; another list for another time.

Robocop 3 — Dear God!

We all love Robocop, and I am an enormous fan of director Fred Dekker, but Robocop 3 demands the inception of wholly new synonyms for the word “terrible.” Gone is the campy, satirical, undeniably entertaining action romp and in its stead are magic ninjas and a Robocop with detachable accessories who can fly. The action is rehashed and lazy, and the dramatic moments look and feel like a bad soap opera. The dialogue is painful, the punch lines are wretched, and the script is awash in trumped up Happy Meal fodder that really turns my stomach. Certifiably unwatchable!