Every year ABC Family blesses us with the 25 days of Christmas, and this year we finally watched The Santa Clause, a childhood favorite starring Tim Allen that we hadn’t seen this decade. Though the film was nearly as joyful as we remembered it, as an adult we have so many questions about the film’s plot that we desperately need answered.
1. Why was Scott Calvin such a douche?
Seriously he barely wants to spend time with his son Charlie, he’s rude, inconsiderate and generally gross. Remember when he told that poor little girl that he wouldn’t drink the milk and cookies she set 0ut for Santa because he was lactose intolerant? What a turd! We didn’t remember him being that awful.
2. How did Scott’s ex-wife Laura manage to downgrade even more by hooking up with Niel?
First of all, is Neil even married to Laura? He’s way too invested in crushing Charlie’s childhood fantasies, and he likes to wear Cosby sweaters. BARF. Also do you remember that part when he was honking his horn for Laura to get Laura’s attention?! He’s no gentlemen!
3. So none of the single dad’s can cook without burning down their homes?
After Scott burns Christmas dinner, he and Charlie head to the worst restaurant in America. The only people that seem to be there are single fathers and their children. Why are none of them capable of cooking a decent meal?!
4. So are we just going to ever discuss the terrifying way that Scott murdered the original Santa?
Scott startles Santa when shouts at him, causing him to fall of the roof snap his neck and die. Both he and Charlie are pretty chill about all of this and it’s beyond creepy.
5. Also where did Santa’s dead body disappear to?!!
We need to know! We’re also confused as to why Scott thought it was acceptable to put on a dead man’s outfit.
6. Why does Bernard the Elf have such a stank attitude?
Isn’t he supposed to be cheerful AF?! Meanwhile he barely has any patience and is really short with Scott when he asks questions about his new gig.
7. Are we ever going to talk about why Scott borrowed Winnie the Pooh’s t-shirt?
The up close visual of his belly wobbling will haunt us forever.
8. Did they use jumbo pipe cleaners to make the reindeer’s antlers?
Because they look super fake to us.
9. Seriously though why were Laura and Neil THE WORST?
When they take away Scott’s visitation rights we were literally in tears. It was just way too sad for children. Basically it proves that Laura and Neil are future Trump supporters.
10. Where do the random elves come from at the end of the movie?
These aren’t the super ninja elves that broke Scott out of jail, these were just random kids with pointy ears? Did they infiltrate the humans? We’re so confused.
