Is it turtle time yet?
The latest adventure for the heroes in a half-shell is still a couple months away, but the newest trailer for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles gives us a somewhat new preview of Jonathan Liebesman and Michael Bay’s burly, live-action update of the turtles. While we’ve seen most of the footage here before, we do finally get a glimpse at all four turtles in their element: Raphael is sporting a trademark scowl, Leonardo is looking stoic, Michelangelo is making jokes (and seriously freaking out April O’Neil), and Donatello is buried knee deep in his own gadgetry. Now that we’ve gotten a look at the foursome, the time has come to ask the all-important question: Which is your favorite Ninja Turtle?
It’s a question that has broken friendships, forged new ones, and charged schoolyard debates for the past two decades. Your favorite turtle speaks volumes about the kind of person you are. We’ve decided to break out the old Psychology 101 textbook we didn’t manage to sell back in college, and analyze your choice of your favorite Ninja Turtle.
Leo is the leader of the group and a devout student of martial arts.
If you’re favorite Turtle is Leonardo: You’re the alpha male. You’re a natural born leader, and you walk around with so much swaggering confidence and charisma, people glom onto you like thirsty leeches. You love to swoop in and solve petty squabbles, and you love the fact that people look up to you. Whatever interest you take, you feel the need to dominate in it. You’re a high school quarterback, the captain of the soccer team, the captain of the basketball team, the captain of the water polo team, hell, you even found a way to become the captain of the local AA group and you’re not even an alcoholic. You almost exclusively wear varsity jackets and you rotate them throughout the week on a very specific schedule. You often go out looking for old ladies to help cross the street. If no old ladies want to cross the street, you make them. You are almost literally the best at everything.
Currently on your bookshelf: How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Currently on your DVR: Law and Order: SVU. You get a contact high from all the justice. Watching Elliot Stabler hospitalize sexual abusers makes you as giddy as a schoolgirl. Justice feels so good.
Raph is the brawn of the group. He’s aggressive and pugnacious. Two traits that often get him into trouble.
If your favorite Turtle is Raphael: You’re in serious need of anger management. You sometimes worry that you’ve forgotten how to smile. You’ve never encountered a fight you couldn’t start…and finish. You love not only having anger, but having righteous anger, and any opportunity to really tell someone off should be cherished like a newborn baby, and you definitely hate babies. You want to gut your coworker that’s been sniffling every five seconds for the past three hours. You get way too angry at the latest comic book film news well before it’s time to form an actual opinion. You’ve already stopped reading because some stupid Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles personality guide isn’t gonna tell you how to live your life. The nerve of them. “The nerve of them” is also one of your most commonly used phrases. Deep down though, under all that hate and animosity, you really just want to be loved.
Currently on your bookshelf: Tao of Jeet Kun Do by Bruce Lee.
Currently on your DVR: Sons of Anarchy. Watching all those bikers rain blows upon everyone and thing they cross paths with is like meditation to you.
Nickelodeon Movies/Paramount Pictures
Mikey is the fun-loving, nunchakus-weilding, pizza-scarfing prankster of ther group.
If your favorite Ninja Turtle is Michaelangelo: You’re the easy-going jokester of your group. Matthew McConaughey from Dazed and Confused is your patron saint of cool. You laze around to surf rock and wonder why puka shell necklaces aren’t a thing anymore… but you don’t worry about trends, because that’s just not your bag, man. You break out in hives if you’re away from the beach for too long. You also an avid fan of pizza. Like a really big fan. Like seriously, get some help, you have a debilitating pizza addiction. You’ve been banned for life from every Dominos in the tri-state area and just looking at a block of pepperoni can send you on a greasy downward spiral. But it’s cool, brah.
Currently on your bookshelf: The Art of Pizza Making. (It was a gift!)
Currently on your DVR: Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
Donnie is the brains of the group. He’s the smartest turtle by an underground mile.
If your favorite Turtle is Donatello: You’re a nerd and proud of it. You’re super smart, and you take your friends to museums because it will be “good for them.” You put a roll of tape on perfectly good tortoise-shell spectacles just to increase your nerd aesthetic. Did I mention you were into thick-framed glasses way before the collective population of Brooklyn claimed them as its ironic eyewear of choice? You take pride in having volumes of information at the ready at all times, and can roll out digits of Pi like bullets from a machine gun, and get a jolt of pride when some random factoid you know can be useful in conversation. You’ve made it your mission to be the smartest guy on the internet, and you’re actually alarmingly close. You make Trivial Pursuit your constant bitch.
Currently on your bookshelf: Ulysses, because you wan’t to be that guy who says he understood Ulysses, and how it was actually quite the leisurely read.
Currently on your DVR: Cosmos. You already know everything and more about astronomy, but you watch it the same way regular folks sometimes zone out to old Everybody Loves Raymond episodes they’ve seen a dozen times.