Everywhere you look these days, you see a troll. Okay, that’s not really true. It’s not like trolls are Whitney Cummings or Joseph Gordon-Levitt movies. (Or are they?) But thanks to The Hobbit: How the Hell They Gonna Make This Into Three Movies, we’re going to be paying a lot of attention to trolls. Well, at least as long as The Hobbit dominates the box office, which could be years.
But what does this renaissance of trolls say about you? In celebration of The Hobbit, we’re going to boil down what your favorite troll says about your personality. Think of this like a Magic 8 Ball, without yes or no questions. Okay, it’s nothing like a Magic 8 Ball, but it’s still fun! So, let’s go:
J.R.R. Tolkien’s Troll
You have waited in line for so many midnight premieres of movies that the girl who sells the popcorn knows your first name. (She has a crush on you, you know?) Your favorite holiday is Halloween and you dress up to go to work and everyone at the office thinks that’s kinda creepy until you show up in the awesomest getup and then they all think you’re really cool for a day. So, in celebration, you eat from the candy bowl for the first time all year. Your mom really doesn’t like it when you stay up all night playing Xbox.
Hi, I am one of those people who only likes things that other people don’t like or things that other people ignore because I have a deep-seated need to feel superior to people because my education and professional prospects didn’t really work out and my snobbish opinions about pop culture are all I have. Hi, I have an OKCupid profile and I wonder why more people don’t respond, but then I’m really mean to those who do, so I don’t know if it’s my fault or theirs. Maybe I just take ugly pictures. Wanna go see The National together?
Fairy Tale’s Trolls
If you shut off The Bachelor and put down the Pinot for one second, you might realize that you are so skinny that you are wearing a child’s dress and that your boyfriend is never going to marry you. Face it, sister. It’s bleak.
Things were so much better at the Jersey Shore when you used to win these playing Skee ball and went home and put them on your windowsill while you listened to 98 Degrees and pined away for Devon Sawa. Things were so much easier then. That’s why you’re always refreshing BuzzFeed, reading stories about Boys Meets World, and buying all those Lisa Frank binders at Urban Outfitters. Time marches on, but your troll dolls — they’re frozen forever.
Don’t believe what you read on Reddit — no one likes these guys.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
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