Now that the final Twilight movie is about to open its coffin and pounce into theaters, everyone is going to be all abuzz one more time with vampire mania. But, as we all know, every vampire — and his or her fanbase — is different. It’s no longer about Team Edward or Team Jacob, there is a blood-sucker to suit every personality type. Let’s see what these different vamps say about the people that love them.
Edward Cullen: The Twilight lover has launched four movies, one love triangle, and a billion ear-piercing screams.
What It Says About You: You have waited overnight in line for tickets to a concert and probably to attend one of these movies. You have lost all critical faculties and blindly praise the things you love, even when they disappoint you. You think that Kristen Stewart is the devil. You have at least one set of those magic markers that smell like different fruit.
Barnabas Collins: The Dark Shadows dandy protagonist has had many incarnations.
What It Says About You: If you’re already in love with the Johnny Depp character from the new movie, then you’re the type of person who jumps on the newest trend before it’s even broken so you can tell people, “I saw Dark Shadows during its opening weekend while you were still in line for The Avengers.” If you’re still in love with the old character played on the ’70s soap opera, then you’re the type of person who never lets go of a pop cultural fixation, no matter how many Pet Rocks, Beanie Babies, or Pokemon pass you by. If you’re in love with him from the 1991 revival, then you are me and you are currently writing this article.
Eric Northman: This True Blood baddy is a killer with a heart of gold… and everything Sookie desires.
What It Says About You: You’re in your late 20s and possibly 30s and you are probably a woman with a working set of eyes and a rather strong libido. You own at least one pair of “fancy panties.” You were always a Backstreet Boys fan and didn’t care much for *NSYNC. You still have a crush on John Stamos from Full House.
Stefan Salvatore: The nice brother on The Vampire Diaries is always fighting his hotter brother.
What It Says About You: You like to cuddle. You are in your early 20s and only watch CW shows on your laptop. You are definitely a woman because all the gays like Ian Somerhalder better. You watched Hart of Dixie and actually liked it. Jerk.
Bram Stoker’s Dracula: The original literary character is still one of the deadliest.
What It Says About You: You work in a creative field and often say at parties, “I don’t own a television,” all superior-like, but you still watch America’s Next Top Model for free on your laptop. You have a crush on Keanu Reeves and subscribe to more than one Tumblr that is mostly just animated .gifs. You are wary of the Kindle.
What It Says About You: You are a man.
Blade: This Marvel vampire hunter-turned-action picture star is also a vamp himself.
What It Says About You: You don’t really love vampires, you only half love vampires. There is something about your basic nature that you are denying. It is probably your love for vampires, but it might be something more. You don’t pay your taxes.
What It Says About You: You may or may not have exited a goth phase that started sometime in high school. You know who Poppy Z. Brite is and have very definite opinions about her. You own something other than underwear that is made of lace. Your hair is not its natural color. You have made out in a graveyard.
Angel: Buffy’s forbidden lover was a vampire cursed with a soul. He was also good enough to graduate to his own show.
What It Says About You: You own at least one The Smiths CD. Your boyfriend (or girlfriend) is prone to fits of depression and you love him even more for it. Every time you have a romp in the hay, you feel like you lose a little bit of yourself. Your mother hates your boyfriend.
The Count: Sesame Street‘s purple-skinned demon had more of a thirst for numbers than blood.
What It Says About You: You are probably a child and not old enough to read this. Go get your mother and tell her that she shouldn’t leave you alone with the computer.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan