Which Action Movie Should You See This Fall?


No one can go see every movie. What are we? Movie reviewers? No, sadly, we are not. We have to pick and choose which movie we’re going to give our $14 at the multiplex. It’s a very difficult decision indeed. You watch trailers, do research, follow your favorite stars. Well, no more! Leave the work to me. I broke down all the action movies that are coming out between now and Christmas — which personality types should go see each movie? Just find yourself on the list and the choice has already been made. Now you can go back to Etsy and continue searching for a homemade Halloween costume. You’re welcome.

ALTResident Evil: Retribution

Release Date: R

Rating: Sept. 14

You should see it if…: You know that Umbrella isn’t just something you should use in the rain. If you can spell Milla Jovovich without having to Google it, but did have to use Dictionary.com to figure out what “retribution” is. You have a tattoo of a sports team somewhere on your body. You like boobs.


Release Date: Sept. 21
Rating: R
You should see it if…: You were the only kid in your small town that had decent taste in movies, but when you got to college and all of the other film majors liked the same things, you panicked. You needed to find a way to distance yourself. So you started liking really bad, critically panned action flicks, and now you argue with everyone you know that they’re actually really good. They just don’t get it. Also, you secretly still love The Fifth Element, and your tickets for next year’s Comic-Con are already booked. 

Movie: Taken 2

Release Date: PG-13

Rating: Oct. 5

You should see it if…: You are a middle-aged lady who has read 50 Shades of Grey more than once and wishes that your husband would spend more time catering to your needs as he did drafting his fantasy football league. If you don’t think that Taken 2 puns (like “Liam Neeson got Taken 2 school by that villain”) are very funny. If you ever said, “Release the Cracken” before undoing your pants.

ALTAlex Cross

Release Date: Oct. 19

Rating: R

You should see it if…: There wasn’t enough shirtless Matthew Fox for you on Lost. You don’t like to tell anyone that you DVR every iteration of NCIS. You always wanted to see a Tyler Perry movie whose title didn’t start with Tyler Perry’s…. You once stood a girl up on a date just because your friends dared you too. People think you’re creepy.

The Man with the Iron Fists

Release Date: Nov. 2

Rating: NR

You should see it if…: You once dressed up as The Bride from Kill Bill for Halloween. You told your girlfriend you threw out all of your Wu-Tang branded clothing, but you still have one hoodie that you wear on weekends when she’s not around. You sometimes wonder why there aren’t more brothels. You sometimes spend hours watching people fight on the subway on YouTube. You like sandwiches…and boobs.


Release Date: Nov. 9

Rating: NR

You should see it if…: Are an alive breathing person with a pulse and a set of eyes. You have found yourself sitting at your desk drinking a Diet Coke and wishing Daniel Craig would just walk into your office wearing that blue Speedo, pick you up in his arms, and carry you off to a hotel room somewhere. When you’re alone in the car, you pretend that you’re driving an automatic and make revving sounds as you pretend to careen through traffic. You know who f&%*@#g James Bond is.

Red Dawn

Release Date: Nov. 28

Rating: NR

You should see it if…: You watch every show on The History Channel. You’re not sure what the difference between North and South Korea is, but you sure think that Kim Jong-Il is really funny on South Park. You thought the only thing missing from G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra was a bit more realism. You wonder why there isn’t a “Knowing Is Half the Battle” T-shirt in your size. You really miss River Raid.