Resident Evil: Retribution
Release Date: R
Rating: Sept. 14
You should see it if…: You know that Umbrella isn’t just something you should use in the rain. If you can spell Milla Jovovich without having to Google it, but did have to use Dictionary.com to figure out what “retribution” is. You have a tattoo of a sports team somewhere on your body. You like boobs.
Release Date: PG-13
Rating: Oct. 5
You should see it if…: You are a middle-aged lady who has read 50 Shades of Grey more than once and wishes that your husband would spend more time catering to your needs as he did drafting his fantasy football league. If you don’t think that Taken 2 puns (like “Liam Neeson got Taken 2 school by that villain”) are very funny. If you ever said, “Release the Cracken” before undoing your pants.
Release Date: Oct. 19
You should see it if…: There wasn’t enough shirtless Matthew Fox for you on Lost. You don’t like to tell anyone that you DVR every iteration of NCIS. You always wanted to see a Tyler Perry movie whose title didn’t start with Tyler Perry’s…. You once stood a girl up on a date just because your friends dared you too. People think you’re creepy.
The Man with the Iron Fists
Release Date: Nov. 2
You should see it if…: You once dressed up as The Bride from Kill Bill for Halloween. You told your girlfriend you threw out all of your Wu-Tang branded clothing, but you still have one hoodie that you wear on weekends when she’s not around. You sometimes wonder why there aren’t more brothels. You sometimes spend hours watching people fight on the subway on YouTube. You like sandwiches…and boobs.
Release Date: Nov. 9
You should see it if…: Are an alive breathing person with a pulse and a set of eyes. You have found yourself sitting at your desk drinking a Diet Coke and wishing Daniel Craig would just walk into your office wearing that blue Speedo, pick you up in his arms, and carry you off to a hotel room somewhere. When you’re alone in the car, you pretend that you’re driving an automatic and make revving sounds as you pretend to careen through traffic. You know who f&%*@#g James Bond is.
Release Date: Nov. 28
You should see it if…: You watch every show on The History Channel. You’re not sure what the difference between North and South Korea is, but you sure think that Kim Jong-Il is really funny on South Park. You thought the only thing missing from G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra was a bit more realism. You wonder why there isn’t a “Knowing Is Half the Battle” T-shirt in your size. You really miss River Raid.