Warner Bros. Pictures
Summer is finally here, which means the mosquitoes will inherit the earth for three sweltering months and our only retreat is the freon blasted confines of your local movie theater. Luckily, there are a ton of comedy movies heading our way this summer, and there’s certainly a little something for everyone on the calendar. Whether you enjoy the meta-absurdity of 22 Jump Street, the talky romance of Woody Allen’s latest, or the costume hijinks of Let’s Be Cops, we’ve created a handy guide to help you determine which of this year’s summer comedies is best for you.
Release Date: June 13
What’s It About: In this sequel to 21 Jump Street, Detectives Schmidt and Jenko go undercover once again. This time, a new, hip drug is making its way through a college campus. Time to do the same thing all over again.
What Were You Like as a Kid: You were seriously hyper, jumping from one activity to another so quickly, it drove your parents bonkers. Besides having way too much energy, you were also pretty quick witted and funny. Jokes were falling from your mouth every second, and as a result, you spent many school days hanging out in the principal’s office. He’s actually was a pretty swell guy once you got to know him.
What You Wanted to Be When You Grew Up: A stand-up comic. A career that could take all that jubilant energy and turn it into some it some crushing self-deprecating comedy. If not that, then perhaps a screenwriter.
Your Favorite Summer Activity: Catching up on classic Mel Brooks and Monty Python flicks at your local movie theater’s special midnight showings. You have to keep in touch with the greats if you want to become the best comedian you can.
Release Date: July 2
What’s It About: After losing her job and learning that her husband has been unfaithful, Tammy hits the road with her profane, hard-drinking grandmother in order to see Niagara Falls.
What Were You Like as a Kid: You were a wild child. If you’re a guy, you probably had the finest pre-school mullet in the Tri-State area. It was a real work of art. You were that kid that people mostly got along with, but everyone was still slightly afraid of, and for good reason.
What You Wanted to Be When You Grew Up: Is being a professional robber a thing? If it is, then definitely that. If that didn’t work out, you wanted to be a professional wrestler.
Your Favorite Summer Activity: Wearing sleeveless T-shirts, because sleeves in the summertime are for fancy people and democrats.
Release Date: July 18
What’s It About: After 10 years of a so-so marriage, Jay and Annie try to spice up their routine by making a sex tape, but the recording gets shared to that mysterious cloud thing all the young people are talking about, and the couple struggles to get it back.
What Were You Like as a Kid: Even as a child, you yearned for the comforting ease of domestic life. While everyone else couldn’t wait to get wild and crazy at college, you just wanted to settle down, have 2.5 kids, and live in a quiet suburb where nothing really happens. You wanted to get married to you middle-age sweetheart that you only met two weeks prior, because true love isn’t bound by silly adult things like logic.
What You Wanted to Be when You Grew Up: A lawyer or a doctor. Something that looks really good on a business card.
Your Favorite Summer Activity: Hitting the local country club for a couple swings of golf, praying that no one else realizes you have no idea what you’re doing. What the hell is a bogey anyway?
Release Date: July 25
What’s It About: In the 1920s, skeptic and stage musician Stanley tries to debunk a young woman named Sophie, who claims to be a spiritualist.
What Were You Like as a Kid: You were a romantic. While the other kids lived in constant fear of a class 5 cooties outbreak, you spent your formative years working on your game. You saw yourself as a young ladykiller or dudeslayer, and hoped to grow up into a player. You listened to jazz, read F. Scott Fitzgerald, asked your grandpa for style advice. Most teachers said you had an “old soul.”
What You Wanted to Be When You Grew Up: You were saddened to learn that “professional fancy person” wasn’t really a feasible career choice, but you’d settle with museum curator.
Your Favorite Summer Activity: Sitting on a deserted beach and reading a nice jazz-age novel.
Release Date: August 13
What’s It About: Best Friends Ryan and Justin go to a costume party dressed up as cops, but when everyone at the shindig actually believes that they’re real officers of the law, they let the new found power go to their heads and they get wrapped up with actual mobsters.
What Were You Like as a Kid: You were a control freak. You were most likely a hall monitor in elementary school and wore that plastic badge like it was the real deal. You tormented your classmates with detention slips and everything was in your jurisdiction, even the water fountains. You walked down the halls like the big man on campus and flexed what little bit of power so hard for all its worth. You liked to think of yourself as tough, but the second a big kid real threatened you, you went straight to a teacher to tattle. Hey, this cheap orange sash and badge is cool, but it ain’t that cool.
What You Wanted to Be When You Grew Up: A cop, obviously, but you’ll probably end up a mid-level manager at your local Applebees, using your those same hall monitor scare tactics on your new 16-year-old wait staff.
Your Favorite Summer Activity: Lifeguarding. What other summer activity allows you to exact dominion over people for 15 dollars an hour?
Life of Crime
Release Date: August 29
What’s it About: Loving wife Margaret Dawson is kidnapped by a couple of career criminals and held for ransom, but her husband has no intention of paying to get her back.
What Were You Like as a Kid: You were a hustler. You were always scheming to make more cash, whether it be selling candy out of your backpack or doing homework for the dumb kids. Eventually you refined you hustle into something more lucrative, but everyone has to start somewhere.
What You Wanted to Be When You Grew up: Sawyer from Lost.
Your Favorite Summer Activity: Extreme Couponing. Being an actual con man is quite dangerous, but you can still get that same adrenaline rush from scoring 300 tubes of toothpaste for 50 cents. Ah, the thrill of the chase.