Of all the ridiculous things in Snow White and the Huntsman, and there are more than its fairest of them all share, one of the most ridiculous is the love triangle between Snow White, the Huntsman, and a Prince Charming type named William. Snow and Billy Boy have been in love with each other since childhood and Snow and the Huntsman have the sort of growing affection that comes from a man saving a woman from trolls that you only seen in movies where they eventually kiss in the last scene. You know that kiss is coming (having Snow White without a kiss is like having Jackass without someone vomiting on themselves) but not knowing who it’s going to be with doesn’t create any additional excitement.
Who cares? Really, they’re going to make Kristen Stewart, an actress who is desperately trying to leave Twilight behind so that she can start the dawn of a new movie career, choose between two guys? Even anyone who hasn’t seen a movie of the vampire franchise (myself included) knows that the major component of the movie is that she has to choose between Edward Sullen…I mean Cullen and Jacob Abdominals. Oh, and we all have to be Team Edward or Team Jacob. Doesn’t it just seem like lazy storytelling to make her do it all over again?
Now it looks like Snow White is trying to draw a line in the dark forest and get us to make a choice two. Who do we want to root for? The prince? The huntsman? I don’t know about you, but I chose the evil queen Ravenna, because Charlize Theron’s camp monster was the scariest and most compelling thing in the movie. But why do all these movies need teams these days? Even The Hunger Games is stuck in a lame Gale/Peeta feud (seriously, who would ever choose gruff Dale over swoony Peeta?). We all know who Kristen is going to pick. She’s not going to pick the werewolf in the vampire movie. She’s not going to pick the prince when there is “huntsman” right there in the title. She’s not going to pick Ryan Reynolds but help Jesse Eisenberg leave his virginity in Adventureland and you know she’s going to pick the panic room instead of Jordan Catalano with awful blond corn rows.
Why are writers always making Kristen Stewart choose? Sure, the choice she makes in Snow White is a bit more unorthodox than in other places, but can’t she just, for once, only have one guy to choose from? Can’t we just see her falling in love instead of creating all these romantic straw men for the audience to root for who never have a chance? We’re beginning to feel like Don Quixote every time we see Kristen and we’re sick of all her leading man windmills. Or maybe she shouldn’t fall in love at all. Won’t someone write a story for her called Virgin where she plays a nun. Probably not. The screenwriter will probably hear Stewart is attached and make her choose between Jesus and Satan. For the record, I’m Team Satan, and Team Giving Kristen Something Else to Do.
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