WWL: Paunch-Less Pattinson and Cage’s Crack Pipe

At the end of each week we take a handful of news stories from the world of movies and break them down into a series of handy equations. Because we know how much you love math. 

Robert Pattinson  –  Clothing  x  Crazed Tweens  =  Internet Armageddon

The internet backbone received an impromptu stress test last week when Summit Entertainment released a crop of new images from New Moon and EW followed with a photo of a shirtless Robert Pattinson from the sequel’s Italy set. Oh, if only he’d removed his shirt to reveal an unsightly paunch — or, better yet, the mutant Quatto from Total Recall. Instead, the pasty bugger had to have freakin’ abs of British steel, thus virtually guaranteeing several more years of unchecked Twilight fanaticism. 

Buffy the Vampire Slayer  –  Joss Whedon  =  Widespread Indifference

Fran Rubel Kuzui, director of the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie, announced on Tuesday that she’s moving forward with a new feature film based on the iconic character — sans Whedon, the guy who made Buffy interesting. At least with Whedon’s involvement the proposed project had straight-to-DVD potential; now it’s at best a Lifetime flick

Christian Bale  +  Killer Robots  +  Explosions  =  Less Than You’d Think

Terminator Salvation proved surprisingly underwhelming at the multiplex, getting spanked by a margin of $17 million by Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian in the final Memorial Day box-office tally. Sure, it may be tempting to label T4 director McG as the Man Who Killed the Terminator Franchise, but we’d like to see how well you’d perform at your job with Christian f–king Bale screaming in your ear, pal. 

Nicolas Cage  x  Werner Herzog  –  Restraint  =  ???

Easily the most entertaining video clip to emerge on the net this week was a bizarre red-band trailer for Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, Herzog’s “continuation” (still not exactly sure what that means) of the gritty 1992 indie, starring Cage as the titular unscrupulous cop. We used to wonder how Cage keeps getting work, and now we know: It’s his lucky crack pipe, silly. You mean you don’t have one? 

Sam Raimi  +  Creative Freedom  –  Avi Arad  =  A Road Map for Spider-Man IV

The epic suckitude of Raimi’s last flick, Spider-Man 3, is widely attributed to the interference of studio execs — particularly Arad, who reportedly insisted on shoehorning the villain Venom into the storyline despite the director’s objections. The success of Raimi’s Drag Me to Hell, the best-reviewed horror flick in years, shows what the man can do when granted a long enough leash. If Sony wants Spider-Man IV to revive the tired franchise, they’d be wise to take heed and leave Raimi alone.

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