HOLLYWOOD - If you're anything like me--and if you are, you've just got to get more sleep--the most frightening news this week is the premiere of Jurassic Park III.God help us. Don't we already know there are dinosaurs? And that they're ferocious and dangerous and stuff, oh my? What could possibly be innovative about III?
The Lost World was simply a re-hash of the original. But everyone knows that any movie Spielberg makes is destined to be a winner, and Lost World's huge grosses--roughly the GNP of South Africa--demanded that a third movie be made. Even if it only draws one-third the audience of Lost World it'll be a big winner.
Side note: investing in a Spielberg movie is like investing in an Internet stock, circa 1999. Pure gold, baby.
Here's a brief synopsis of the latest movie. Dinosaurs menace the humans, dinosaurs chase the humans, dinosaurs trample the humans, dinosaurs eat the humans, dinosaurs digest the humans, dinosaurs burp up the humans, dinosaurs get back in line for the buffet.
With any luck the dinosaurs will come to Los Angeles and eat Jerry Springer and/or Geraldo Rivera.
Jeff Goldblum doesn't return from the first two movies, but Sam Neill makes a sudden reappearance, having skipped the second installment. Neill told intrepid Hollywood.com reporter Ellen Kim he came back because "I wasn't entirely happy with what I'd done with the character in the first film."
What, Sam, you weren't happy your character didn't become Dinosaur Chow in the first movie? Are you really thinking this performance is going to get you nominated for an Academy Award?
Or maybe this is just Hollywood-speak for "I didn't bank enough cash for the first movie and we all know this puppy's gonna make some serious dough."
But Neill's is the only character that will be familiar to moviegoers.
Side note: As sequels get further removed from the original, fewer familiar characters remain. "Rocky 12" will star Al Gore, Al Sharpton and "Weird Al" Yankovic.