“Why hello, dog.” –RandyTealana Hedgespeth
Age 19
And now we get our first “sob story.” It’s a tale of one twin’s fear of being inferior to her sister, citing times when she was younger and her friends would tell her how talented her sister was. “It sucks,” she so eloquently explains. And that’s why she’s on
Idol - to outshine her sister. She tries to start out with a joke, telling Randy he can call her “dawg,” but he apparently doesn’t get it because he blatantly calls her “dog” like he’s really unaware of his own catch phrases. While Tealana tries to sing (and fails) Steven and JLo giggle like sugar-high school girls, eventually trying to make up for being mean girls by telling her how cute she is while simultaneously telling her she didn’t make it. Sure, it’s mean that
Idol pushed her through just to humiliate her, but her entire family is there, couldn’t they have like encouraged her to do anything else? That’s pretty cruel too.
“You’re right out of my era, and I’m honored to be here listening to your voice.” –Steven Haley Smith
Age 18
And now we have not a sob story, but a simple story of being someone who works hard and can actually sing. You’d think we’d see more of that, but well-rounded doesn’t always sell. Haley has three jobs, one of which is making sausage even though she’s a vegetarian, but when she sings, we’re not worrying about how she possibly fits all those shifts into her schedule. Everything, from her almost-stoned way of speaking to her 70s get-up and singing style screams flower child. She does “Tell Me Something Good” and puts a singer-songwriter spin on it, showcasing her smoky, character-filled voice. The judges love it and she gets a golden ticket. She’s almost refreshingly real, but say goodbye to this notion now, because Haley is the last sign of reality we’ll see this episode.
”Have you eaten those prairie oysters?” –StevenAlanna Snare
Age 22
This girl may have come up with the lamest “it” factor in recent
Idol memory: she’s a bartender at bar that’s famous for Rocky Mountain Oysters, a.k.a. bull testicles. And miraculously, they manage to talk about this the ENTIRE time. That is, until the girl butchers “Jolene” and they overlay her auditions with never-ending cow sounds. You could have at least used an actual bull, guys. She obviously doesn’t get a ticket.
”I love that song too, but somebody’s really gotta sing it.” –JenniferShelby Twenten
Age 17
And here’s the obligatory dose of adorable. Shelby and her cute little Minnesotan accent explain that
American Idol has helped her deal with her bi-polar disorder. I worry a bit that potentially being famous could ignite the side effects of her condition, but then again, it’s her dream. And when she sings, you know she deserves a shot. She’s got a strong country voice, and a good range. Her version of “Temporary Home” showcases her sweet, slight rasp. The judges love her and she goes through to Hollywood.
”You’re a lover.” –JenniferJairon Jackson
Age 19
Alright, so this guy’s original song wasn’t some cheesy pandering jingle like these things usually are, but did Randy and Jennifer have to praise it so highly? He’s a descent singer who sounds like the definition of a generic post-2010 R&B singer and his song didn’t completely blow, but it’s just a typical tune. He makes it through, but I’m guessing his success will be short-lived.
“People call me Lady Gaga sometimes when I’m walking down the street.” –Angie ZeidermanAngie Zeiderman
Age 25
While this girl is no Lady Gaga – and claiming that in any capacity is just asking for viewers to hate her – she is likable in her own unique way. The judges love her eccentric look, with her purple hair and cute flower dress. She starts off with an aerobic performance of “If You Got It, Flaunt It” from
Gypsy. While they should be voting, this starts an argument between Randy and Jennifer because he hates Broadway style singing and complains that it employs “that vibrato that I hate.” JLo says he has to admit Angie’s talented and asks her to sing another song. When singing normally, she has a sweet tone, and she’s fun, albeit a little delusional. This completely changes Randy’s mind and they all send her through.
“No one talks to me because I’m frightening and I look homeless.” –Magic CyclopsMagic Cyclops
Age Unknown because this guy is a nutjob
Finally,
Idol gives me – and apparently Randy – reason to lose my mind. After three episodes of good behavior, the series dips back into its tired gimmick well to present this joke of a character from Iowa with a mind-blowingly terrible fake British accent. He wears long 70s locks, an American flag t-shirt, sunglasses and headscarf that says “Magic” in cartoon letters while boasting about his lack of hygiene and his air guitar collection. Seriously, why do we let these staged performances go on? He should have been an aside between legitimate auditions. He gets actual audition time and gives the judges a choice: Neil Diamond or “James Buffet” (buff-ay) and he means Jimmy Buffet (Buff-ett), but Randy doesn’t get it. (Probably because he doesn’t care.) We won’t waste time talking about how he sang – if you really want more, use your googling skills and find his Twitter and website. I’m not doing it for you out of self-respect, though I do know both of those things exist because I've shamefully seen both of them. To end the episode, Randy is enraged by this nonsense and storms off to the bathroom, asking “what is this s**t?” Yeah, we’re tired of it too. Let’s hope that’s the last we have to see of this drivel.
Who was your favorite contestant from Aspen? Or did you think they weren’t all that memorable too? Let us know in the comments or get at me on Twitter
@KelseaStahler