At the end of each week we take a handful of news stories from the world of movies and break them down into a series of handy equations. Because we know how much you love math.
Crappy TV Show + Big Budget + Big Stars = Crappy Movie
Hot on the heels of Land of the Lost’s abysmal debut came reports that producers of another big-budget TV adaptation, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, fired director Stephen Sommers after the flick received “the lowest test score ever from an audience in the history of Paramount.” Should anyone be surprised that a terrible TV show would make a terrible movie? I loved both shows as a kid — as a kid. I also loved Shasta and DeBarge, but I have no illusions that a movie based on either wouldn’t royally suck.
That said ...
Crappy TV Show + Big Budget + Liam Neeson = Non-Crappy Movie?
Hope indeed springs eternal. Joe Carnahan’s adaptation of The A-Team received a welcome dose of legitimacy this week with the news that Oscar-nominated British thespian Neeson is in talks to star in the film as John “Hannibal” Smith, leader of the titular group of mercenaries for hire. Then again, Neeson also starred in The Phantom Menace, so the jury’s still out on this one. If a Wayans family member gets cast as B.A. Baracus, we’ll know we’re in trouble.
Michael Bay + IMAX = Double-Edged Sword
When Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen director Bay announced on Monday that he was preparing a special extended cut of his much-anticipated sequel for IMAX, ticket sales for the large-format theaters surged accordingly. But be warned: Just as IMAX’s 50-foot-tall, super-high-resolution screen will amplify every aspect of the Transformers 2 visual experience, its advanced sound design will render the film’s hackneyed dialogue all the more irritating. Consider bringing earplugs as a precaution.
Mickey Rourke + Tattoos + Bondage Apparel = Marvel’s Best Villain Yet?
While Marvel Comics has long had the heroes market cornered, they’ve always trailed a half-step behind their DC rivals when it comes to compelling big-screen villains. But the first official image of Rourke as Whiplash in Iron Man 2, featuring the Wrestler star covered in ink and clad in what appears to be an S&M-inspired version of Tony Stark’s high-tech power suit, is highly encouraging. Who wouldn’t want to see this badass take on pretty boy Robert Downey Jr.?
Kristen Stewart + Punk Mullet – Robert Pattinson = An Improvement
No WWL would be complete without a Twilight-related entry. Last Thursday, E! Online debuted the first image of Stewart as rocker Joan Jett in the upcoming biopic of The Runaways, the all-girl rock band that inspired Nick Gilder’s 1978 hit “Hot Child in the City.” It’s a good look for Stewart, but what the charisma-strapped actress could really use is a stint at the Megan Fox School of Media Relations. Oh, and she should really ditch that pasty English dude too.
LAST WEEK'S WHAT WE LEARNED: Ballsy Bruno, Hackneyed Hamlet and More