They are some of the most-asked questions at donut shops around the world: (1) Who will go home with Oscar?; (2) What new and probing insights will the most important social commentators of our time, Joan and Melissa Rivers, have to say about the nominees' clothes? (3) Why is a babe like Catherine Zeta-Jones hanging around with that old guy? And, (4) What is Ricky Martin's sexual orientation, and how does it affect us?
Ricky Martin At least some of those questions -- and more -- will be answered this week on TV. And just so you don't have to sit through all of it just to find out about the really important stuff, here's a handy little guide:
-- Live from the Los Angeles Shrine Auditorium, it's the 72nd Annual Academy Awards (8 p.m. EST/5 p.m. PST, Sunday, ABC)! In case you haven't heard of this show, it's kind of like the Golden Globes. What to watch for? How will Robin Williams perform the expletive-laden Best Song nominee "Blame Canada" (from "South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut")? Our prediction? We predict that we will go to a party and drink too much champagne so we won't notice how incredibly long this show is.
-- The annual Oscar night "Barbara Walters Special" (7 p.m. EST; immediately after the Academy Awards on the West Coast, Sunday, ABC) looks to be a good one this year. Interviewees Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are expecting, Mike Myers is a very funny man and Ricky Martin actually requested that Walters bring up the much-talked-about issue of "Is he or isn't he?" Our prediction? We will still be at a party drinking champagne and will probably get pretty upset at the whole Catherine Zeta-Jones issue because we really think we would have had a chance if it weren't for Michael Douglas.
-- If it's wacky Oscar-related commentary you're looking for, check out E!'s live pre-show coverage starting at 6 p.m. EST/3 p.m. PST, and featuring the ever-catty Joan and Melissa Rivers standing outside the Shrine and judging people by their covers like mean-spirited high school cheerleaders. Joan looks absolutely fabulous, by the way. Also on Oscar night, ABC unspools the "Politically Incorrect After-Party" at 12:05 a.m. EST/PST. Host Bill Maher will surely have a few choice words to say about some of the goings-on at the ceremony. Our prediction? We will have come to our senses, wished the Douglas family well and cried ourselves to sleep by this time.
-- Jennifer Love Hewitt is quite charming in the title role of "The Audrey Hepburn Story" (8 p.m. EST/PST, Monday, ABC). The made-for-TV movie is as light and breezy as its subject always seemed to be. Nothing groundbreaking or shocking here, but it's always so easy to like Audrey Hepburn, and this movie keeps the feeling going. All in all, not a bad night in front of the tube.
-- ABC has another mid-season replacement worth checking out when "Wonderland" premieres Thursday at 10 p.m. EST/PST. Created by actor Peter Berg, formerly Dr. Billy Kronk on CBS' "Chicago Hope," "Wonderland" is a brooding drama that's just a little different from the more-familiar police precincts and emergency rooms we're so used to seeing on TV. Martin Donovan and Michelle Forbes head a strong ensemble cast as husband and wife doctors in a New York City hospital's psychiatric ward. Our prediction? The show has drawn a tough slot, opposite NBC's "ER," but there might just be room for this one.