It's the scoop of the (admittedly, very short) century, and the mainstream media are clueless! Madonna is already married.
Bollocks. It's just a sham. We know the real story. We're just amazed that the only folks out there who know the truth are the owners of a little Madonna fan site.
Yes, in a shocking story titled "The Royal Wedding," the sleuths at Mer-Girl.com report that the nuptials took place July 1 in London.
Needless to say, we were impressed by this feat of journalism. But how the heck did a mere fan site get an exclusive, besting the likes of People magazine?
Not only do they have pictures of the wedding but a sampling of the guest list (Willie Nelson, Rosie O'Donnell, Richard Simmons, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Barker, Johnny Cash, Wynonna [the maid of honor], Her Majesty the Queen, Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles were all in attendance and sworn to secrecy by Madonna herself) as well. There's audio clips of the couple exchanging vows and Ritchie warbling "Justify My Love."
A post-nuptial ride, courtesy of Photoshop (www.mer-girl.com)
We wanted answers, so we got in touch with the site's creator. When we found out that he always goes by the pseudonym "Secret," we thought it was going to get interesting. Instead, we came face to face with reality.
It's all a joke. As if we didn't know.
"My assistant Lisa and I grew tired of the ignorant negative rumors surrounding Madonna, and decided to ... (come) up with some wild ones of our own, such as this one," Secret explained to us by telephone, from his (of course) secret hideout.
"I asked Mike, a Madonna impersonator I heard from another Madonna fan site, to fake an audio clip of Guy and Madonna [as if they were] at their wedding, with someone singing a song or something like that."
Pretty interesting fakery, we must admit. You can hear "Guy" and "Madonna" in the church, with a British-accented preacher making the usual introductions. Then "Guy" tells "Madonna," "I can't marry you," and the crowd gasps.
So, back here on Earth, what does Mer-Girl.com think of the latest rumor, saying the two will get married soon?
"I said on my site that I hate rumor," Secret tells us. "And I want to take rumor and make fun of it. But I do think that there's something planned down the line for them, though. I think they are pretty compatible."