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Justin Bieber's Genital Nickname Ruins Your Childhood — Or DOES It?

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May 23, 2012 | 2:07pm EDT

Justin BieberJustin Bieber's genitalia. That's what this article is about. There is no use easing into it artistically, because once you get to the point of realization that what you're reading about is, in fact (here it comes again) Justin Bieber's genitalia, everything beforehand will be rendered a hazy memory of an era long dead.

Throughout the afternoon of Wednesday, May 23, a strange phenomenon overtook Twitter: the global trending of the phrase "Tom & Jerry." First thoughts for anyone above the age where cognizant brain activity is an option should be the MGM cartoon about a cat and a mouse who haven't really figured out that they'd probably be better off without one another.

But the world should be so lucky. In fact, the MacArthur Grant-worthy populace known as the Beliebers have handled the trend almost entirely, in celebration of the new nickname afforded, by them, to (what was it that this article was about again? oh, that's right) Justin Bieber's genitalia. They've named it Jerry. Because, as Bieber explains to Gather, "Jerry was actually the largest man."

And if it weren't bad enough that all this was actually a thing that is happening — on your planet! Your species is involved in this! — they've dragged a Hanna-Barbera classic that taught so many of us about our apparent immunity to ironing board-related head injuries into this fiasco.

Tom & Jerry deserves better. Sure, it was outstandingly violent. Sure, it was (prior to retroactive edits) unequivocally racist. Sure, it was colossally repetitive. But our predecessors' distaste with and our successors' disinterest in Tom & Jerry shouldn't matter! We love it just for what it is. Unconditionally.

Here comes the twist: that's exactly how the Beliebers feel about Justin Bieber. And, apparently, Justin Bieber's genitalia. Jerry, if that slipped your mind.

See, it doesn't matter what some of us think of Bieber's music, his attitude, his look. Because to Beliebers, he's something else entirely. He's the Tom & Jerry to a generation that grew up after a time when sociopathic bloodshed and demeaning ethnic stereotypes were kept off television. They'll never have grown up during a time when they could appreciate our music, our heroes, our cartoons. But they have what's theirs. And what's theirs includes Justin Bieber. And Justin Bieber's genitalia. Jerry.

So, Beliebers and Tom & Jerry purists, mend your differences! Your passions might explore opposite directions, but they are fueled by the same vigor. The love of something that, no matter what other people say, you know is awesome. Join hands, former enemies, and accept one another. For, if you have come this far, then you have one defining thing in common: you have nothing better to do with your time than to read an entire article about Justin Bieber's genitalia.

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