The Internet is littered with parody black and white perfume ads where a sexy man makes vague pronouncements while dramatic music swells. There is usually shirtlessness and bombastic music involved. And that is almost exactly what Brad Pitt's new commercial for your grandmother's favorite perfume, Chanel No. 5, involves — except there's no music, shirtlessness, or punchline. Oh, and it is not a parody because it is a real, actual thing that someone thinks will get your grandmother to buy more perfume.
"The world turns and we turn with it," Pitt tells us, reciting the ad's copy or the world's worst poetry as written by a lovesick tween, like Manny from Modern Family. "Wherever I go, there you are. My luck. My fate. My fortune." Not only was this seemingly written by a housewife who took a creative writing class at her local community college and is trying to fix her marital woes by leaving notes for her husband in his sock drawer, but Mr. Pitt also can't seem to figure out where to look for his cue cards. His eyes dart all around the set like a hummingbird on a Red Bull bender. If I had to read this script, I'd have a hard time looking you in the eyes, too.
The kicker: Pitt doesn't even look that hot. With his long hair, goatee, and loose-hanging shirt that is open just so far, it looks like he went to the Fabio School of Poise, Modeling, Romance Posing, and Bartending Arts. Remember when our big celebrities would cash in on Japanese commercials so they could make big money and not embarrass themselves in their home country? Can we please go back to that?
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
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