Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas! That is what Santa is going to say. But after December 25, he's not going to be the only one with a big belly who is celebrating the holiday. We're all probably sitting around, eating way too much food at our Christmas Eve and Christmas Day feasts. Unlike the Whos down in Whoville, we won't be eating Who Pudding or Who Roast Beast, but here are some of the other favorites you'll find around your table (at least according to Google trends, which says everyone is looking for these recipes todays). Since you are what you eat, here's what your favorite dish says about you.
Green Bean Casserole
Well, it's so nice that you made it back home this year after you skipped out on your family celebrations for the last five years to take trips to tropical places with the Jewish friends you made in whatever urban center you now live. But your family is happy to have you back, even if it means you sit around on the couch fiddling with your phone the whole time and wishing there was at least one person who would understand how bored you are. You are college educated, but think that you're still one of the people. You hate your hometown and disagree with the conservative politics of everyone who lives there. But you would vote for a moderate Republican if he could help you save on taxes. You would never tell your father that, though. It would make him far too happy.
Why are you eating deviled eggs? It is not Memorial Day! This is supposed to be a holy day, and you're bringing the Devil into it? It's because you aren't very religious. And while you hate church, you love Christmas. You like to do it your own way, though, with Lifetime Christmas specials and too much wine and wrapping presents in paper with snowflakes (because that's just secular enough). You have an online dating profile and it's not really working for you. One day, you will find a man, but not until after you join Christian Mingle. You better get into the old school holiday spirit on this day.
You are an Edwardian English person, and you should probably fall back into whatever tesseract it was that brought you to this time and place. As soon as you see the Internet, the top of your head is going to blow right off (and your top hat will fall into the mud... or your bonnet, you may be a lady). Either that, or you are some Brooklynite who is obsessed with farm-to-table restaurants and cooking hard-to-make authentic dishes with obscure ingredients you can only order online. You love Top Chef (mostly because of Padma) and you say you love Iron Chef America, but you always fall asleep while watching it.
Honey Baked Ham
Congratulations. You are completely normal and utterly unremarkable. Your blood pressure is way too high though. You should go to the doctor. Seriously. You could die at any moment.
The kids are really driving you crazy, aren't they? You don't want to wrap all their presents. You don't want to put together all those crazy toys and that little Big Wheel that is going to make your daughter so happy. When you see that set of Legos, all you can think of is the distinct pain of stepping on one of the pieces in your bare feet. That sucks. But you're going to get it together. You can't disappoint anyone, so you're going to get through it by sucking it up and making all of the kids very happy. That will warm your soul. But just wait, they'll grow up and resent you for perpetuating the myth of Santa Claus. There really is no winning.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
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