You’d have to be living in an underground bunker without even a sliver of an air shaft reaching to the outside world to be ignorant of Beyonce’s upcoming Super Bowl Halftime show performance, which will feature the sure-to-be epic return of Destiny’s Child.
The buzz around the show is inescapable, and if the past has taught us anything, audience numbers do increase between game time and halftime when the performer is particularly compelling. (See last year’s Super Bowl, which saw an increase from a 47. 8 to a 48.3 share when Madonna took the stage, and most of the buzz surrounding that performance came after the confetti rained down.)
It’s safe to assume that there’s a decent portion of viewers who will tune in just to see Beyonce do her thing in between the first and second halves of Super Bowl XLVII. The problem is, there isn’t an exact time-slot for the show, it simply airs immediately after the end of the second quarter — and that means fans who are only there for Beyoncé are going to have to ingest a little football along with their Bey time.
But look, "werk" is not a word found in the vocabularies of Kevin Harlan or Boomer Esiason. You’re going to hear a lot of football terminology during your countdown to “Crazy in Love,” but you don’t have to let it distract you from the more important mission at hand: Beyoncé time.
Halftime: Nationally Televised Beyoncé Concert
Tackle: What I’m going to do to you if you block the TV or utter a single syllable during Beyoncé’s performance.
Offside: Beyoncé does not have an offside. She is perfection.
Interception: Beyoncé’s classic, awe-inspiring hair-flip, which immediately deflects the attention from Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams and back to her. But she deserves it, so it’s fine.
Hail Mary: Closing the halftime show with “Nuclear.” It’s going to be a miracle to stick the landing with the new Destiny’s Child song.
Tight End: Yes, Beyonce has an incredible figure and a killer caboose, but let’s not be so crass about it.
Roughing the Passer: An aggressive way to get the next person to go to the kitchen to get you a beer since they’re up.
Two-Minute Warning: The two (or so) minutes of commercials between the end of the second half of the game and the start of the half time show, and the allotted time you have available to get all the chit-chat out of your system before Bey takes the stage.
Wildcat Formation: That thing where Beyoncé stands between Kelly and Michelle while her hair blows in the wind like a majestic, musical specter.
Safety: A word Beyoncé does not comprehend because she only knows how to WERK. [Antonym: FEROCITY, FIERCE]
Kicker: The authoritative hip-swivel Beyoncé uses every time she changes directions on stage.
The Heisman: The pose Beyoncé does in the ads for the Super Bowl halftime show.
12th Man: The back-up dancer whose face doesn’t quite fit inside Beyoncé’s spotlight.
Huddle: The alternative to Wildcat Formation. A stage formation that allows Michelle or Kelly to be most prominent without obscuring Her Majesty, Queen B.
Kickoff: The first song of the halftime show, in which viewers will exhibit excitement in various forms, including but not limited to: crying, shaking, dancing, and stunned silence.
Line of Scrimmage: The piece of tape marking the spot on the stage where Beyoncé will begin her magnificent performance. And believe me, from that point on, she is going to move some serious chains.
Incomplete Pass: Being married to Jay-Z and not using him in your halftime show.
Completion: The portion of the show that features Beyoncé (and those other two) striking a final Sasha Fierce post while glitter rains down and flames and/or fireworks erupt in the background, creating Bey’s epic shadow. [SYNONYMS: BLISS, NIRVANA]
Instant Replay: What DVR is for. What do you mean you want to watch the second half of the game? I’m watching Bey’s halftime show at least 10 more times.
Be sure to check back following Bey's performance for our review of the show. Spoiler Alert: We're going to love it.
Follow Kelsea on Twitter @KelseaStahler
[Photo Credit: i.am.beyonce.com]
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